WARNING WILL ROBERTS! WARNING!

Vodka and ice will ruin your  kidneys.  Rum and ice will ruin your liver.  Whiskey and ice  will ruin your heart.  Gin and ice will ruin your brain.   Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth.  Apparently, ICE IS  LETHAL!  Warn all your friends:  Lay off the ice.   ~~  Just drink it straight.  Copy and paste this  immediately.  You could save a life.  And don't forget, ice also sunk the Titanic.

TRAVELING NUNS

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
 
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen. 

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine." 

"Show him you're cross," says Sister Helen. 

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off the windshield!

ON STAGE

Obama awakened in the middle of the night and there was George Washington's ghost standing by his bedside!  He said, "George, how can I help this country?"  Washington replied, "You need to be honest with the people like I was."

Obama went back to sleep and awakened again and there was Thomas Jefferson's ghost.  He said, "Tom, how can I help this country?"  Jefferson said, "Love the constitution like I did!"

Upon waking up the third time, there was Abe Lincoln's ghost.  Obama said, "Abe, how can I help this country?"

Abe replied, "Go see a play at Ford's Theatre."

FRANKLY

RYE NOT?

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.  The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.  The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

 

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery.  As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.  He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" 

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

 

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard".

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me." 

KANSAS

WASHINGTON STATE BLOWHARD

YARD WORK

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas mowing his front lawn. A lady driving by in a big shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.