HOW TO DETERMINE JOB PLACEMENT

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them
in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations and
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick
has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top
Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress

HOT AIR

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is hopelessly lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, and let's see, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolls her eyes and in her best Tallulah Bankhead voice says, "You have got to be a Republican!"

"Well, ma'am, I am," replies the fisherman, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you've told me may be technically correct, but I have absolutely no idea what to do with your information. And, I'm still lost. Frankly, you're no help to me. at all."

The man smiles and responds, " And you madam, you must be a Democrat!"

"I am," replies the lost woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the fisherman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise to someone that you have no idea how to keep. Having accomplished all that, you now expect me to solve your problem." The fisherman chuckled. "You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, and yet, somehow, it's now my fault."

CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE

Not long ago I read a joke ... It said all the politicians running for president are promising change to the American people. We send them billions and billions of tax dollars and they send us the change.

Funny?

Not really; there is too much truth in it to be funny.

That got me to thinking ... They all promise change. How about if they run on a promise of restoration rather than change. A restoration that would take us back in time to a place where things ran better, smoother and life was more enjoyable. Change? That, in truth, is what they have been giving us all along.

We used to have a strong dollar ... Politicians changed that.

Life used to be sacred ... Politicians changed that.

Marriage used to be sacred ... Politicians are changing that.

We used to be respected around the world ... Politicians changed that.

We used to have a strong manufacturing economy ... Politicians changed that.

We used to have lower tax structures ... Politicians changed that.

We used to enjoy more freedoms ... Politicians changed that.

We used to be a large exporter of American made goods ... Politicians changed that.

We used to be an openly Christian nation ... Politicians changed that.

We used to teach patriotism in schools ... Politicians changed that.

We used to educate children in schools ... Politicians changed that.

We used to enjoy freedom of speech ... Politicians changed that.

We used to enforce LEGAL citizenship ... Politicians changed that.

We used to have affordable food & gas prices ... Politicians changed that, too. ... and one could go on and on with this list.

What hasn't been changed, politicians are promising to change that as well if you will elect them.

When, oh when, is America going to sit back with open eyes and look at what we once were and where we have come and say, enough is enough?

The trouble is, America's youthful voters today don't know of the great America that existed forty and fifty years ago. They see the world as if it has always existed, as it is now.

When will we wake up? Tomorrow may be too late. When will America realize .. Politicians are what is wrong with America?

LUKE AIR FORCE BASE LETTER

Luke AFB is southwest of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were. A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back.

Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall. When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must have stung quite a bit.

The complaint:

Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base

“Whom do we thank for the morning air show? Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 a.m., a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune! Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns early bird special? Any response would be appreciated.”

The response:

Regarding 'A wake-up call from Luke's jets' Letters, Thursday:

On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four-ship fly by of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques. Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.

At 9 a.m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend. Based on the letter writer's recount of the fly by, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured.

A four-ship fly by is a display of respect the Air Force pays to those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.

The letter writer asks, 'Whom do we thank for the morning air show?'

The 56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.

I WONDER WHO THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT?

Well, it is the start of Hunting Season down here in the lower 48 so I guess if you are a member of the NRA and running as the VP, you have to be ready for POT SHOT TIME!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - -
"There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife." -Jon Stewart

"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." -Jay Leno

"Today George Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." -Jay Leno

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." -Bill Maher

"Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno

"It's true, John McCain's running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, likes the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend - the kid's got guts." --David Letterman

"By the way, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin family crisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has been solved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie." --David Letterman

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"And you've got to love this: Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there?" --David Letterman

"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'we're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.'" -Bill Maher

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." -Bill Maher

"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno

"The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes." -Bill Maher

PROUD TO BE WHITE

> I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no
> other race is.
>
> Proud to be White: Michael Richards makes his point...

> Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld
> does make a good point. This was his defense speech in
> court after making racial comments in his comedy act.
>
> He makes some very interesting points...
>
> Someone finally said it... How many are actually paying
> attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican
> Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then
> there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and
> sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,'
> 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,'
> 'Caveman' ... and that's OK.But when I call you,
> Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey,
> Beaner,Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist. You say that
> whites commit a lot ofviolence against you... so why are the
> ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
>
> You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin
> Luther King Day.You have Black History Month. You have Cesar
> Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah.You have Ma'uled
> Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET...If we had WET
> (White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.If we
> had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.If we had
> White History Month, we'd be racists.If we had any
> organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives
> we'd be racists.We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce,
> a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain
> Chamber of Commerce.Wonder who pays for that??A white woman
> could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any
> color can be in the Miss America pageant.If we had a co
> llege fund that only gave white students scholarships...You
> know we'd be racists.There are over 60 openly proclaimed
> Black Colleges in the US .Yet if there were 'White
> colleges' That would be a racist college.In the Million
> Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race
> and rights.If we marched for our race and rights, you would
> call us racists.You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and
> orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.But when we
> announce our white pride, you call us racists.You rob us,
> carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police
> officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black
> drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to
> society, you call him a racist.I am proud...But you call me
> a racist.Why is it that only whites can be racists??
>
> There is nothing improper about this e-mail...Let's see
> which of you are proud enough to send it on.
> I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have
> lost most of OUR RIGHTS
> in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves !
> BE PROUD TO BE WHITE !
> It's not a crime yet, but getting real close!

HUMAN STATUE OF LIBERTY

A REAL FRIEND

--- Who is your REAL FRIEND?

This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

PIG WITH LIPSTICK ACTUALLY FOUND

WHEN ASKED ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT PALIN'S CANDIDACY, HILLARY RESPONDED:

I'm as happy as a pig with lipstick.

SUNSHINE

According to the Census Bureau:

9,000 people are screwing right now,

2,000 are kissing.

100 are doing oral sex, and

1 lonely buzzard is reading the Day's Best Emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine!

MIXICOLOGY

PRIORITIES

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one hell of

a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car

waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the

anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course

in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait

for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is

surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled

without using anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth honey and show him !!

ICE

Apparently this is a standard procedure all paramedics follow at the scene of an accident when they come across your cell phone.

ICE - 'In Case of Emergency'

We all carry our mobile phones with names & numbers stored in its memory but nobody, other than ourselves, knows which of these numbers belong to our closest family or friends.

If we were to be involved in an accident or were taken ill, the people attending us would have our mobile phone but wouldn't know who to call. Yes, there are hundreds of numbers stored but which one is the contact person in case of an emergency? Hence the 'ICE' (In Case of Emergency) Campaign. The concept of 'ICE' is catching on quickly. It is a method of contact during emergency situations. As cell(mobile)phones are carried by the majority of the population, all you need to do is store the number of a contact person or persons who should be contacted during emergency under the name 'ICE' ( In Case Of Emergency).

The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when he went to the scenes of accidents, there were a lways mobile phones with patients, but they didn't know which number to call.. He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognized name for this purpose. In an emergency situation, Emergency Service personnel and hospital Staff would be able to quickly contact the right person by simply dialing the number you have stored as 'ICE.'

For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2 and ICE3 etc. A great idea that will make a difference! Let's spread the concept of ICE by storing an ICE number in our Mobile phones today!

Please forward this. It won't take too many 'forwards' before everybody will know about this . It really could save your life, or put a loved one's mind at rest. ICE will speak for you when you are not able to.

BILL CLINTON'S BURIAL PLOT

PANIC IN IRELAND DUE TO RELENTLESS FLOODING

If this doesn't tug at your heart strings nothing will.

We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka , New Orleans , Iowa ...and now in Ireland.

This 'award-winning' photograph of the recent flood waters rising in Ireland captures the horror and suffering there.


The heart and resiliency of the Irish people really shows through.

Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.

BECAUSE I'M A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,

I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say

to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now

with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know

where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and

break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone

to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and

moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so

for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be

expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I

know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops

working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that

this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person

gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote

control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been

misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though

one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....

( applies to engineers mainly).
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm

thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,

sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when

you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or

have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she

calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever

you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.

And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the

movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't

...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will

certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I

thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,

too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,

looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I

will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,

the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,

and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden

with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to

better understand men

Why Obama Won't Release His Harvard Transcripts