WHERE'S SHAKESPHEARE WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

English majors and wordsmiths will appreciate this old and fading art of writing:

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text messages and email, have forgotten the art of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the following statement below.

'Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.'

I cannot stress enough that proper use of grammar can be most important!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM TIME MAGAZINE

GOOGLE THIS

THE WEDDING BUSINESS

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.


The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

DEER HUNTER'S CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

I DON'T GET IT

IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE WITH IT.  

IS SOMEONE MISSING A CAT?

TO MY FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS

To My Democratic Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

THREE WISE WOMEN

DOES YOUR DOG HAVE THE SNIFFLES?

WHITE CHRISTMAS

NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

WHAT EVERY MAN WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

JEWISH BLONDE

A Jewish blonde  goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I  have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
 

The clerk says, "What  denomination?"  

The blonde says, "God help us. Has  it come to this?  Give me 15 Orthodox, 15  Conservative and 20 Reformed."

DON'T GET MAD, GET EVEN

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while, the first Redneck says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby. Would that make us related?'

The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says: 'Well, I do not know about related, but it sure would make us even.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

And thusly, students, we eventually arrive at the formula for understanding women. 

ET TU, CHIEF

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Washington State asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.  So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'  The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'  

NANCY PELOSI WILL FLY SOUTHWEST?

Word has it that Nancy Pelosi, having lost her private Air Force jet for her trips back and forth fro0m Washington to San Francisco, has decided to fly on Southwest due to her pay cut from the House Speaker's job.  The reason she chose Southwest?

Bags fly free. 

HIYA THERE, YOU HUNK, YOU!

An elderly woman was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.  She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her guest leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'. 

The elderly woman hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

WHEN A MAN CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE

Maybe John Boehner can do this to Nancy Pelosi? 

ONLY FOUR TICKETS LEFT!

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center next weekend in Glendale, AZ., if anybody wants them!

Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.  Should be a good time!

SARAH PALIN'S NEW LIMO

DON'T ASK

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

It looks like the Officers don’t believe in it though.

The Look on the Cop's Face is Priceless

HOWDY THERE, COWBOY

The Texas DPS are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas.  For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"

Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A.Put up a goal post.


Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A.Old

Q.What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.


Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.


Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! 

OH, DEERE

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.  

Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.  

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”

“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'.”

[Don't make me explain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.] - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

2010'S FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly Gates.

'In honor of this holy season Saint Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Holiday Season Begins......

HERE'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised at times.

They would receive showers twice a week and have to pay to have their hair cut.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $15,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out alive.

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IS HAPPENING IN AMERICA

http://www.morningstartv.com/oak-initiative/marxism-america

De-Di-Dis

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? 

WHAT THE HEALTH CARE PLAN REALLY SAYS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcBaSP31Be8

WELL, DOGGIES!

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

 Unbelievable...

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/wheel-of-fortune-contestant-solves-27letter-puzzle-with-just-one-letter-as-a-clue--1717

EMAIL WARNING

THIS IS FROM THE US POSTAL SERVICE WEBSITE

Customers be aware of fraudulent package delivery messages sent by email or phone.

Customers may be receiving email messages or phone calls that allege to be from the U.S. Postal Service that contain fraudulent information about attempted or intercepted package delivery.

For emails: If opened, the messages instruct customers to click on a link to find out more about when they can expect delivery of their "package." Simply delete the message without taking any further action.

For phone calls: Please do not provide any personal information and let the caller know you're not interested and hang-up the phone.

The Postal Inspection Service is aware of the problems and are working hard to resolve the issues and shut down the malicious programs.

We regret any inconvenience this may have caused our customers.

WHY ELECTIONS ARE IN NOVEMBER

DARLING

The Chief sees a seaman coming toward him and aks him what his name is.  

"John," replies the seaman. 

The Chief gives a surly look and tells the seaman that he is not going to call any one by their first name because that breeds familiarity.  "I only call men by their last name, got that?  So, what's your name, seaman?" 

Yes, sir! My name is Darling. John Darling, sir!"

"Carry on, John."  

A FAIRY STORY FOR ELECTION DAY

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy. 

THE WINNER AT DOG OBEDIENCE SCHOOL

Well, at least he has a job. 

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a mańs testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work"

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain from one man,
put it in another man, and in 4 weeks, he is looking for work"

A Russian doctor says:  "Russia has you beat, Gentlemen. We take out half a heart from one, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks, he is looking for work."

The United States doctor answers laughs:  "You all are way behind us. 2 years ago in the USA, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no testicles, put him in as President. and now, the whole country is looking for work!!!"

POLITICAL CHOICES

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator is tragically hit by a car and dies.  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind; I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.  The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passes with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,  "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely on November 2.

HOLD THE PHONE!

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.  While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

KEEPING AN EYE OUT FOR YOU

FENGSHUI

This October is very special. It has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in 1 month. This happens once in 823 years. These are known in Fengshui as money bags. Pass this along to 8 good people and money will appear in 4 days based on the Chinese Fengshui. Those who stop it will experience none. I followed it and found forty-five cents taped to the bottom of a toilet seat in the Sacramento bus station.

SO9METHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS

http://www.ktuu.com/news/ktuu-radio-flyer-car-092910,0,1784245.story

DEER CAMP

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Roy ,
because he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. 

The first guy slept with Roy and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? He said, " Roy snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Roy shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. 

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Roy into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

"Roy sat up and watched me all night."

GRAY HAIRED BRIGADE

THE GRAY HAIRED BRIGADE... WE'RE HERE TO REGAIN OUR COUNTRY.... THE ONE WE FOUGHT FOR.

They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs. Some of us are baby boomers getting ready to retire. Others have been retired for some time. We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were. We have worked hard, raised our children, worshiped our God and grown old together. Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill and that is probably true.

But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration. In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age. Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience. We remember the days of telephone party-lines, ten cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes. For those of you who don't know what an icebox is, today they are electric and referred to as refrigerators. A few even remember when cars were started with a crank. Yes, we lived those days.

We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many. But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off. We won World War II and fought in Korea and Viet Nam . We can quote the pledge of allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so. We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield. We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America , we fought for the land of the free and home of the brave. We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag. We know the words to the Star Spangle Banner, America , and America the Beautiful by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing. We have lived what many of you have only read about in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for America. 

Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it. It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us. We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep. There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent. It was the young people of this nation who elected Obama and the Democratic congress. You fell for the Hope and change which in reality was nothing but Hype and lies. You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don't like it after all. 

You make a lot of noise but most are all too interested in their careers and climbing the social ladder to be involved in such mundane things as patriotism and voting. It appears that we care more about our grandchildren than some care about their children. Many of those who fell for the great lie in 2008 are now having buyer's remorse. With all the education we gave you, you didn't have sense enough to see through the lies and instead drank the kool-aid. Now you're paying the price and complaining about it. No jobs, lost mortgages, higher taxes, and less freedom. This is what you voted for and this is what you got. We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty and you traded it for a paycheck and a fancy house. 

Well, don't worry youngsters, the Gray Haired Brigade is here, and in one month we are going to take back our nation. We may drive a little slower than you would like, but we get where we're going, and in November we're going to the polls by the millions. This land does not belong to the Muslim in the White House or to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. It belongs to We the People, and We the People plan to reclaim our land and our freedom. We hope this time you will do a better job of preserving it and passing it along to our grandchildren. 

So the next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country, and thank God for the old geezers of the Gray-Haired Brigade. 

The silver haired head is a crown of glory, if it is found in the way of righteousness. Proverbs 16:31

AN OLD SEA STORY

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected

his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his

men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would

change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,

"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change

your underwear."

"Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with

Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change",

But don't count on things smelling any better!!

TIME TO MAKE A STATEMENT

When driving to, from, and through Frankenmuth, Michigan, I'm always intrigued with the many small simple crosses in the front yards of the homes we pass by. Those crosses are a statement of support for Frankenmuth's Christian foundation.

Two years ago an atheist living there complained about two crosses on a bridge in town. He requested that they be removed and the town removed them. He then decided that, since he was so successful with that, the city shield should also be changed since it had on it, along with other symbols, a heart with a cross inside signifying the city's Lutheran beginnings. At that point, the residents decided they had had enough.  

Hundreds of residents made their opinions known by placing small crosses in their front yards. Seeing this quiet but powerful statement from the community, the man removed his complaint. Those simple crosses remain in those front yards today.

After passing those crosses for two years, it finally hit me that a small cross in millions of front yards across our country could provide a powerful and inspiring message for all Americans passing them every day. I think it might be time to take this idea across America. We have an administration that says "we are not a Christian nation" and everywhere you look the ACLU and others are trying to remove from our history and current lives any reference to God, prayer, or the fact that our country was founded on Judeo-Christian principles.

Our administration can't bring themselves to talk about "radical Muslims or Islamic terrorists" for fear of offending them, but they can talk about Americans "clinging to their guns and their religion", or insinuate that our own military troops coming home from service overseas might turn into terrorists. The majority of Americans are Christians, why are we letting this happen to us?

IT'S TIME TO STAND UP AND MAKE A STATEMENT. A SMALL QUIET BUT POWERFUL STATEMENT. IF YOU AGREE, PLACE A SMALL WHITE CROSS IN YOUR FRONT YARD OR GARDEN FOR ALL TO SEE THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

It would be a beautiful thing to see crosses all across America.

ARAB TV GUIDE

SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY:
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News

SATURDAY:
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?

ARREARS

Here's a little "CLEAN" humor with a good moral ...

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race...

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.  The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted! He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:

NUN SAYS HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.   

The ass is now living in the White House?

FORGOTTEN 9/11 STORY

During a visit with a fellow chaplain, who happened to be assigned to the Pentagon, I had a chance to hear a first-hand account of an incident that happened right after Flight 77 hit the Pentagon. The chaplain told me what happened at a daycare center near where the impact occurred. This daycare had many children, including infants who were in heavy cribs. The daycare supervisor, looking at all the children they needed to evacuate, was in a panic over what they could do. There were many children, mostly toddlers, as well as the infants that would need to be taken out with the cribs.

There was no time to try to bundle them into carriers and strollers. Just then a young Marine came running into the center and asked what they needed. After hearing what the center director was trying
to do, he ran back out into the hallway and disappeared. The director thought, 'well, there we are—on our own.'

About 2 minutes later, that Marine returned with 40 other Marines in tow. Each of them grabbed a crib with a child, and the rest started gathering up toddlers. The director and her staff then helped them take all the children out of the center and down toward the park near the Potomac and the Pentagon. Once they got about 3/4 of a mile outside the building, the Marines stopped in the park, and then did a fabulous thing - they formed a circle with the cribs, which were quite sturdy and heavy, like the covered wagons in the Old West. Inside this circle of cribs, they put the toddlers, to keep them from wandering off. Outside this circle were the 40 Marines, forming a perimeter around the children and waiting for instructions. There they remained until the parents could be notified and come get their children..

The chaplain then said, "I don't think any of us saw nor heard of this on any of the news stories of the day. It was an incredible story of our men there. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. The thought of those Marines and what they did and how fast they reacted; could we expect any less from them? It was one of the most touching stories from the Pentagon.

Remember Ronald Reagan's great compliment: "Most of us wonder if our lives made any difference. Marines don't have that problem."

God Bless the USA , our troops, and you.


It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. 

It's the Military, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.


If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.

POLITICIANS ARE SUCH GREAT SPORTS

Quote from Peter Schmuck, a Baltimore sports writer, concerning the indictment of Roger Clemens:

"Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office?"

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE

We HAVE stop cutting down trees!

THIS is getting serious!

MOSQUED SOLUTION

LET THEM BUILD!!

Then right across the street, someone should put a topless bar, called "You Mecca Me Hot".  

Next to that should be a gay bar, "The Turban Cowboy". 

And next door to the mosque should be a pork rib restaurant, maybe "Iraq o' Ribs"?

Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance.

Problem solved.!!!*

SPEED TRAPS

This is interesting. Click on a State to show city & towns, then click on the one you want to view. See if you recognize any of them.

SPEED TRAPS - NO JOKE...CHECK IT OUT!

Do you know the speed traps in your hometown?

www.speedtrap.org/speedtraps/stetlist.asp

FOR SWINGERS ONLY

http://sports.yahoo.com/golf/blog/devil_ball_golf/post/Golfer-s-swing-sparks-25-acre-California-blaze?urn=golf-266447

SPEAKING OF OBAMA.....

DOLLY'S GOT HER CASKET DESIGNED....

DOCTORS VS GUN OWNERS

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.


Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

HYPOCRISY

Hypocrisy of the day:

"Fathom the odd hypocrisy that Obama wants every citizen to prove they are insured, but people don't have to prove they are citizens".

~ Ben Stein

WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to the co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the co-worker replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

OBAMA STATUE BEING UNVEILVED

WASHINGTON TIMES: President Should Be Impeached

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/jul/22/the-case-for-impeachment-142967590/

GREAT NEW BUSINESS IDEA!

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He is making landmines that look like prayer rugs.

It's doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.

DYING PRIEST

In Washington , D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word  arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN." Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same." 

FIRST BATCH

Yesterday, I mixed the batter for the first ice cream I have made in about eight years. I made a very wicked rum – French vanilla ice cream in those days that everyone used to just die for. My recipe, developed over several batches of trial and error, was left behind when I divorced.

So, now I have this new kitchen aid mixer and a special bowl for making and freezing ice cream. I thumbed through a lot of recipes for French vanilla ice cream, paid a handsome price for a recipe book that’s as worthless as a politician, and eventually settled on one of four or five recipes that came with the machine. I modified that recipe, going strictly from memory and not able to recall exact measurements, and I substituted brandy for the rum. I mixed the batter and set it in the fridge to chill overnight.

This morning, I poured the batter into the freeze bowl and mixed up my first batch. Finally, after moving it into a container for the final freeze, I dared to sample it. Just as the ice cream touched my lips, a thousand singing birds came out of the sky. The kitchen lit up like a Christmas tree, and angels came forth. The ice cream entered my mouth and I must say… I have outdone myself. It was soooo good. And all of the angels and all of the birds shared in this delight, singing and chirping and flapping their wings. What a truly wondrous occasion.

Now, all of the frickin' ice cream is gone and all I got was a teaspoon full. 

THE TISSUE IS THE ISSUE

WE HONOR TRAITORS?

SHE REALLY WAS A TRAITOR!!

and now OBAMA wants to honor her ......!!!!

In Memory of my brother -in- law

LT. C.Thomsen Wieland who spent 100 days at the Hanoi Hilton

She really is a traitor

A TRAITOR IS ABOUT TO BE HONORED

KEEP THIS MOVING ACROSS AMERICA

This is for all the kids born in the 70's who do

not remember, and didn't have to bear the

burden that our fathers, mothers and older

brothers and sisters had to bear..

Jane Fonda is being honored as one of the

'100 Women of the Century.'

BY BARBRA WALTERS

Unfortunately, many have forgotten and still

countless others have never known how Ms.

Fonda betrayed not only the idea of our country,

but specific men who served and sacrificed

during Vietnam

The first part of this is from an F-4E pilot.

The pilot's name is Jerry Driscoll, a River Rat.

In 1968, the former Commandant of the USAF

Survival School was a POW in Ho Lo Prison the ' Hanoi Hilton.'

Dragged from a stinking cesspit of a cell,

cleaned, fed, and dressed in clean PJ's, he was

ordered to describe for a visiting American

'Peace Activist' the 'lenient and humane

treatment' he'd received.

He spat at Ms. Fonda, was clubbed, and was dragged away. During the subsequent beating, he fell forward

on to the camp Commandant 's feet, which sent that officer berserk.

In 1978, the Air Force Colonel still suffered from double vision (which permanently ended his flying career) from the Commandant's frenzied application of a wooden baton.

From 1963-65, Col. Larry Carrigan was in the 47FW/DO (F-4E's). He spent 6 years in the 'Hanoi Hilton',,, the first three of which his family only knew he was 'missing in action'.

His wife lived on faith that he was still alive. His group, too, got the cleaned-up, fed and clothed routine in preparation for a 'peace delegation' visit.

They, however, had time and devised a plan to get word to the world that they were alive and still survived. Each man secreted a tiny piece of paper, with his Social Security Number on it , in the palm of his hand.

When paraded before Ms. Fonda and a cameraman, she walked the line, shaking each man's hand and asking little encouraging snippets like: 'Aren't you sorry you bombed

babies?' and 'Are you grateful for the humane treatment from your benevolent captors?'

Believing this HAD to be an act, they each palmed her their sliver of paper.

She took them all without missing a beat.. At the end of the line and once the camera stopped rolling, to the shocked disbelief of the POWs, she turned to the officer in charge and handed

him all the little pieces of paper..

Three men died from the subsequent beatings. Colonel Carrigan was almost number four but he survived, which is the only reason we know of her actions that day.

I was a civilian economic development advisor in Vietnam , and was captured by the North Vietnamese communists in South Vietnamin 1968, and held prisoner for over 5 years.

I spent 27 months in solitary confinement; one year in a cage in Cambodia; and one year in a 'black box' in Hanoi My North Vietnamese captors deliberately poisoned and murdered a female missionary, a nurse in a leprosarium in Ban me Thuot, South Vietnam, whom I buried in the jungle near the

Cambodian border. At one time, I weighed only about 90 lbs. (My normal weight is 170 lbs)

We were Jane Fonda's 'war criminals....'

When Jane Fonda was in Hanoi , I was asked by the camp communist political officer if I would be willing to meet with her..

I said yes, for I wanted to tell her about the real treatment we POWs received... and how different it was from the treatment purported by the North Vietnamese, and parroted by her as

'humane and lenient.'

Because of this, I spent three days on a rocky floor on my knees, with my arms outstretched with a large steel weights placed on my hands, and beaten with a bamboo cane.

I had the opportunity to meet with Jane Fonda soon after I was released. I asked her if she would be willing to debate me on TV. She never did answer me.

These first-hand experiences do not exemplify someone who should be honored as part of '100 Years of Great Women.' Lest we forget....' 100 Years of Great Women' should never include a traitor whose hands arecovered with the blood of so many patriots.

There are few things I have strong visceral reactions to, but Hanoi Jane's participation in blatant treason, is one of them. Please take the time to forward to as many

people as you possibly can.. It will eventually end up on her computer and she needs to know that we will never forget.

RONALD D. SAMPSON, CMSgt, USAF

716 Maintenance Squadron, Chief of

Maintenance

DSN: 875-6431

COMM: 883-6343

PLEASE HELP BY SENDING THIS TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK. IF ENOUGH PEOPLE SEE THIS MAYBE HER STATUS WILL CHANGE 

TIGER'S CAR

IS OUR GOVERNMENT PICKING ON YOU?

WHY WE MUST WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN IMMEDIATELY

Poster-child for what is wrong in Washington , DC

You will simply not believe this. Our 8th District US Congressional representative, the Hon. Gabrielle Giffords, in a meeting of the House Armed Services Committee, asked General David Petraeus the following question: "General Petraeus, what are you doing to reduce carbon emissions in the war on terror?"

Wow. I had to read, and re-read this several times to believe it. Folks, there are American sons and daughters dying every week on the foreign battlefields of southwest Asia . The nation is completely bankrupt and .... quite literally, borrowing 43 cents for every dollar in federal spending. We have the largest environmental disaster in the nation's history in the Gulf of Mexico , and we have Mexican drug armies invading our nation. And yet ...A member of Congress from Arizona 's 8th congressional district took the time to ask our battlefield commander what he is doing to curb carbon emissions in the war.

Gabrielle Giffords is the poster-child for what is wrong with the US Congress. We are being led by imbeciles. To the rest of America reading this blog, and to Gen. Petraeus if this e-mail makes it to your inbox ... my sincerest apologies for the stupid question asked of you by my US congressional representative. General ... I am sure you have better things to worry about than carbon emissions on the battlefield. I assure you, as a registered voter in Arizona 's 8th congressional district, I will do everything I can to ensure Rep. Giffords is voted out of office in November, and I pray you'll get back to business of fighting the war on terror without worrying about such petty and nonsensical matters as your carbon footprint in the war.

Mark Beres, Maj. USAF (ret.)
Tucson, Arizona

FYI: The 8th District surrounds Tucson to the north, south and east ( Tucson is in the 7th District) and covers the south-east corner of AZ.

What Google says about Rep. Giffords:
Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) took Afghan Commander, General David Petraeus, to task for what she characterized as â willful disregard of the environmental impact of our war effort. There is no policy, no plan to minimize carbon emissions in our military activities, Giffords charged. Bombs are dropped and bullets are fired without considering the environmental impact. Giffords insisted that she was not demanding an immediate halt to current military operations in the Middle East, just saying that battle plans should include an environmental impact assessment as a regular part of the process before attacks are launched.

She also suggested that the Army put more emphasis on less environmentally damaging methods, like stabbing or clubbing enemy forces in order to minimize the carbon output.

New Rules of Engagement:

I think we ought to put her on the front lines so she can stab or club the enemy. God help us if this is the type of idiots that are elected to office. Walk softly and carry a big knife or big stick to save the environment.

LESSON FROM THE OLD FARTS

Learn from your elders


A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.  

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.  He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.  He wakes the senior and hands him $500.

The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

WORLD SERIES

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever " I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die when the Mariners win the World Series!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

WAS OBAMA NATURALLY BORN?

And we worry about Democrats versus Republicans?

There's a bigger problem....

In a Florida State University classroom, students and professor were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

One girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the requirement was that a candidate had to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming President.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

IT'S ALL A MATTER OF CONCEPTUALIZATION

I just applied for a building permit for a new house.  It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and
windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.


It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim.


The City Council told me to fuck off.


So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.


Work starts on Monday...

HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, HONORABLE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

CHAIRMAN BARACK, BENEVOLENT MASTER

PENNILESS IN AMERICA

PROUD TO BE AB AMERICAN

ObamaChange

OBAMACARE AT ITS BEST

LIAR, LIAR PANTS AFIRE

SOCIAL, OR ANTI-SOCIAL?

SURELY, A SMALL MISTAKE

MR SOFT SHOES

LOL TO YOU TOO, BARACK

ENOUGH

SIGN OF THE TIMES

WHY OBAMA IS NEVER ON TIME

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’ 

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’ 

‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘whose clock is that?’ 

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’
‘Incredible,’ said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’ 

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’ 

‘Where’s President Obama’s clock?’ asked the man. 

'Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.'