WHY DOESN'T CONGRESS TACKLE THESE ISSUES?

They're too busy passing laws no one wants?

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WE LL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO T HEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

HE WHO LAUGH'S LOUDEST....

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture
was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought
this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the
area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time
with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera
flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace..

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.

THE HAIRCUT

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

PIRATE STORY

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'

'Well, it was my first day with the hook.'

I SPENT THE AFTERNOON IN A BIKER BAR IN BURNEY, CALIFORNIA

ANOTHER SAD DEATH

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy 's hand in his right hand and

Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, Nancy spoke ... "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and

Savior Jesus Christ.." The old priest continued, "He died between two lying thieves ...

I would like to do the same."

CALIFORNIA INSISTS ON GUN CONTROL

In spite of the Supreme Court ruling on the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, and in the face of rising opposition to its continuing and rampant disregard of public opinion regarding anything and everything, the California State Legislature is soon to consider two bills designed to curtail the ownership of guns.

Sponsored by Assembly Member Kevin De Leon and scheduled to be heard on June 30th, Assembly Bill 962 would make it a crime to privately transfer more than 50 rounds of ammunition per month, even between family and friends, unless you are registered as a “handgun ammunition vendor” in the Department of Justice’s database. Ammunition retailers would have to be licensed and store ammunition in such a manner that it would be inaccessible to purchasers. The bill would also require purchasers submit to fingerprinting, which would be kept in dealers' records and subject to inspection by the Department of Justice. Lastly, mail order ammunition sales would be prohibited. Obviously, this legislation would drive ammunition sales to Arizona, Nevada and Oregon, including the tax revenues. It makes less sense than Prohibition.

Also scheduled to be heard June 30th, Senate Bill 585, introduced by State Senator Mark Leno, would prohibit the sale of firearms and ammunition on the property or inside the buildings that comprise the the nationally famous Cow Palace. In short, SB585 is a stepping-stone to banning gun shows on all publicly-owned property in California. Once again, the legislature is hell-bent on driving revenues out of the state to Reno and Las Vegas.

And you wonder why California is bankrupt?

AMA AND ECONOMIC STIMULUS

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastro-enterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing..

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington ..

LETTER FROM A MARINE

WE NEED EVERYONE IN D.C., AND THE OVAL OFFICE TO BE LIKE THIS GUY - NOT THE IDIOTS THAT ARE THERE NOW!

"The Axis of Idiots"

Jimmy Carter.....you are the father of the Islamic Nazi movement. You threw the Shah under the bus, welcomed the Ayatollah home, and then lacked the spine to confront the terrorists when they took our embassy and our people hostage. You're the runner-in-chief.

Bill Clinton.....you played ring around the Lewinsky while the terrorists were at war with us. You got us into a fight with them in Somalia and then you ran from it. Your weak-willed responses to the USS Cole and the First Trade Center Bombing and Our Embassy Bombings emboldened the killers. Each time you failed to respond adequately, they grew bolder, until 9/11/2001.

John Kerry, dishonesty is your most prominent attribute. You lied about American Soldiers in Vietnam . Your military service, like your life, is more fiction than fact. You've accused our military of terrorizing women and children in Iraq. You called Iraq the wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, the same words you used to describe Vietnam. You're a fake and a disgrace to the uniform you wore. You want to run from Iraq and abandon the Iraqis to murderers just as you did to the Vietnamese. Iraq , like Vietnam , is another war that you were for, before you were against it.

John Murtha.....you said our military was broken. You said we can't win militarily in Iraq. You accused United States Marines of cold-blooded murder without proof and said we should redeploy to Okinawa. Okinawa, John? And the Democrats call you their military expert! Are you sure you didn't suffer a traumatic brain injury while you were off building your war hero resume? You're a sad, pitiable, corrupt and washed up politician. You're not a Marine, sir. You wouldn't amount to a good pimple on a real Marine's butt. You're a phony and a disgrace. Run away, John.

Dick Durbin.....you accused our Soldiers at Guantanamo of being Nazis, tenders of Soviet style gulags and as bad as the regime of Pol Pot, who murdered two million of his own people after your party abandoned Southeast Asia to the Communists. Now you want to abandon the Iraqis to the same fate. History was not a good teacher for you, was it? Lord
help us! See Dick run.

Ted Kennedy.....for days on end you held poster-sized pictures from Abu Ghraib in front of any available television camera. Al Jazeera quoted you saying that Iraqi's torture chambers were open under new management. Did you see the news, Teddy? The Islamic Nazis demonstrated another beheading for you. If you truly supported our troops, you'd show the world poster-sized pictures of that atrocity and demand the annihilation
of it. Your legislation stripping support from the South Vietnamese led to a communist victory there. You're a bloated, drunken fool bent on repeating the same historical blunder that turned freedom-seeking people over to homicidal, genocidal maniacs. To paraphrase John Murtha, all while sitting on your wide, gin-soaked rear-end in Washington.

Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levine, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Russ Feingold, Hillary Clinton, Pat Leahy, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, the Hollywood Leftist morons, et al, ad nauseam: Every time you stand in front of television cameras and broadcast to the Islamic Nazis that we went to war because our President lied, that the war is wrong and our Soldiers are torturers, that we should leave Iraq, you give the Islamic butchers - the same ones that tortured and mutilated American Soldiers - cause to think that we'll run away again, and all they have to do is hang on a little longer. It is inevitable that we, the infidels, will have to defeat the Islamic jihadists. Better to do it now on their turf, than later on ours after they have gained both strength and momentum.

American news media.....the New York Times particularly: Each time you publish stories about national defense secrets and our intelligence gathering methods, you become one united with the sub-human pieces of camel dung that torture and mutilate the bodies of American Soldiers. You can't strike up the courage to publish cartoons, but you can help Al Qaeda destroy my country. Actually, you are more dangerous to us than Al Qaeda is. Think about that each time you face Mecca to admire your Pulitzer.

You are America 's 'AXIS OF IDIOTS.' Your Collective Stupidity will destroy us. Self-serving politics and terrorist-abetting news scoops are more important to you than our national security or the lives of innocent civilians and Soldiers. It bothers you that defending ourselves gets in the way of your elitist sport of politics and your ignorant editorializing. There is as much blood on your hands as is on the hands of murdering terrorists. Don't ever doubt that. Your frolics will only serve to extend this war as they extended Vietnam. If you want our Soldiers home as you claim, knock off the crap and try supporting your country ahead of supporting your silly political aims and aiding our enemies.

Yes, I'm questioning your patriotism. Your loyalty ends with self. I'm also questioning why you're stealing air that decent Americans could be breathing. You don't deserve the protection of our men and women in uniform. You need to run away from this war, this country. Leave the war to the people who have the will to see it through and the country to people who are willing to defend it.

Our country has two enemies: Those who want to destroy us from the outside and those who attempt it from within.

Semper Fi,

J. D. Pendry - Sergeant Major, USMC, Retired

This is a savvy man. He has nailed it down pretty good. Too bad it won't do any good... There won't be 1 in 10 that receive it that will forward it. It sure loses steam that way.

ALARMING THOUGHTS ABOUT THE AMERICAN STATUS QUO

Hannity is beginning to annoy me. He has become so fanatical about liberals that often times his comments tend to be emotional. O'Reilly is alright, but I cannot stand his interruptions. He excels in having the last words. I have to admit however, that he does bring to the public's attention important issues. The reason I like and enjoy Beck is because his cause is very basic in nature and appeals for application of common sense.
He attacks the right and the left with equal ardor. Greta I also like because her assessment of what is going on follows the thinking of a good attorney. She manages to ask pointed questions. Unfortunately, he is not electable, but Ron Paul's platform makes good sense. You are right: The way things are going it is not too far fetched to consider a strong third party emerging.

You know what really scares me? From what I understand there are about 16
Tsars in the administration. That means we have more Tsars than Russia ever had. You have the various secretaries appointed and confirmed by Congress. However, these Tsars are directly appointed by the president accompanied by absolute power.

A good example of abuse is the auto Tsar. Gretchen's family, (from FOX's early morning program), has owned a GM dealership in Minneapolis, MN for 90 years. They just lost their dealership without any explanation from GM. When the dealership refused to sign on the release they were threatened that warranties sold by the dealer will not be honored. According to Judge Napolitano that was illegal. Anyway, the decision on closure was being executed by the Tsar.

It will be interesting to learn the outcome of the hearing regarding Bank of America. Here you have the head of B of A stating that the merger with Merrill Lynch was coerced. You will recall he made the same deposition to Cuomo.

Anyway, I predict we are going to experience an actual physical revolution in this country!!

*****

As for an actual physical revolution, I think the chances are very high. And, I think that the Administration is very afraid of that possibility, which is why they are so adamant about reducing guns and ammunition in the country. I also think that the radical liberals, in such an event, would attempt to stop such a revolution, thereby leading to bloodshed in the streets. This would all put Obama in the position of having to use the National Guard and the military to try to quell the rioting, and I'm not so certain as to what support he would get from them under such a scenario. Unfortunately, I think the odds are way better than 50-50 that we are going to find out.

In the event of a revolution, we would also be faced with how to identify the enemy. What would the Muslims in this country do? Would white liberal radicals grab guns and fight their own side of the revolution? What about the resident Sandanistas and the Mexican drug cartel? How can we, by looking at a guy with a gun in his hand, determine whose side he is on? In the midst of such an event, would we not be sitting ducks for the Chinese or the Russians to attack us from the outside while we are being attacked from within?

The way all of those is fermenting, I think it will be boiling pretty hot by the beginning of 2011 and I have always felt that Obama would not finish his first term, but that he would be out by the third year of his term.

Given the possibility of it's happening, I think that the Constitution would survive, but the politicians would not.

*****

We'd better make sure the Constitution remain intact. Otherwise, we're dead meat.

The evidence there is so much complacency in this country is the success of minority movements, and I don't mean racial. Between the ACLU, the Union and now, the revelation of ACORN shenanigans, we are in deep shit.

Were you aware that Obama was the lead attorney in the Acorn movement? The manner in which Obama was able to captivate the populace, and especially the media, reminds me of how Hitler took over Germany. His eloquence also captivated the country. Consider the similarity. Obama had no experience both in business and politics, but with a high level of education. Hitler had no experience in business and politics and with little education. He did serve in the army as a corporal. What they have in common is their gift for delivering eloquent speeches capable of mesmerizing the listeners.

TUXEDO JUNCTION, NORTH POLE STYLE

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica- where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

COMING UNDONE?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

MOONLIGHTING

I once knew a constable who moonlighted as a bartender.

He served subpoena coladas.

WHY LAWYERS MAKE GOOD POLITICIANS?

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here, good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere; your place, my place, in the car, up against the front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

PONDER THIS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

PATRIOTISM AND OUR GOVERNMENT

"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from his government"
-- Thomas Paine

"How fortunate for governments that the people they govern don't think."
-- Adolph Hitler

COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU?

WHERE'S HARRY?

Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.

The donkey got spooked and jumped off the cliff.

Who was saved?

x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
America!


(But what about Harry? We're WILD about Harry!)

THE WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The English Book of Great Food

___________________________________________________

FRENCH WAR HEROES

by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY BEAUTY SECRETS

by Janet Reno

____________________________________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________

Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF
PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden
______________________________ _____

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT
DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

__________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

_____________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

_________________________________________________________

LIES THE CIA HAS TOLD ME

by Nancy Pelosi

_ ________________________________________

SECRETS FOR FINANCIAL OVERSIGHT

By Barney Frank

______________________________________________

RELIGIONS OTHER THAN MUSLIM

Barack Hussein Obama

_________________________________________

ETHICS IN GOVERNMENT

By Harry Reid

GENUINE ALASKAN HOSPITALITY

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other
party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, along with their wives. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will carry the gun, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to
their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives while
the boys are out on the hunt.

Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

SHIFTING THE TAX BURDEN?

THE HOTTEST SELLING T-SHIRT IN THE COUNTRY?

Then, maybe, we will no longer be a "Nation of Muslims."

RIGHT WING EXTREMIST BUMPER STICKER

ROAD RAGE

EMAIL WARNING

If you get an email titled "Nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it. It could contain a virus.

If you get an email titled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

NANCY PELOSI, YOU'RE A SCHMUCK

Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'

NEW YORK-Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck."

An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser Monday.

"Schmuck is dying," a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. "For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'"

The nonprofit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary "schmuck" usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word "schmuck" have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times-17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word "jerk" than "schmuck," 100 times more likely to use "dick," and 15,000 times more likely to use "fucking asshole."

Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means, and only 1.2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms as "imbecile," "dummy," "schlub," and "contemptible ne'er-do-well" will all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the year 2020 or whenever Brooks dies.

"We must save this word!" Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in attendance began chanting "Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!" "How will we be able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in 2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your family, your friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks."

Hundreds turned out at a Boca Raton , FL demonstration to show their support for the dying word.
"I've never told anyone this before," Brooks added, choking back tears, "but my father was a schmuck."

The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman Endowment for the Preservation of Schmekel. The money will go toward projects aimed at reintegrating "schmuck" into the English lexicon, including billboards and flyers plastered with the word "schmuck," the upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film.

"The world cannot afford to lose this valuable and versatile word," Brooks told reporters during a charity auction in Manhattan's Upper West Side Tuesday, where attendees bid for the chance to have a private lunch with Brooks and repeatedly call him a schmuck. "You can be a poor schmuck, a lazy schmuck, a dumb schmuck, or just a plain old schmuck. A group of people can be collectively referred to as schmucks. You can call someone a schmuck, and you can be called a schmuck. You can even call yourself a schmuck."
"Plus, it's just so fun to say," Brooks added. "Schmuck."
Many of the foundation's volunteers say they share Brooks' passion for the word "schmuck," as well as his outrage that it is slowly disappearing from everyday use. They claim that if they do not act now, the trend could create a snowball effect.

"Today it's schmuck, tomorrow it might be toochis," said SFS volunteer Harry Steinbergmann, 82. "What's next, schlemiel? Putz? Schlimazel?"
Steinbergmann went on to classify this scenario as farcockteh.