HANDY LATIN PHRASES: FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICES?

http://www.philbrodieband.com/jokes_latin_phrases.htm

FRIENDS

OBAMA GETS SERIOUS HEAT?

Ah . . Sorry to bother you Mr. Obama, Sir. .


Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean President Obama, Sir. Um . . I know you're busy, and important and stuff. I mean running the county is very important and -- ah -- I hate to bother you Sir. I will only take a minute. Ok Sir?

See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering Sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out. You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things.

Hey, you have a nice place here! The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says boy she wishes she had digs like this you know? Is that painting real? Really? Wow. I saw something like that in a museum once!

Oh, sorry Sir. I didn't mean to get off the track. So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island Sir? No? I didn't think so...

Well, listen, anyway, I can't seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be "Not released" or "Not available." I'm sure it's just an oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are -- I -- I have them written down here somewhere -- oh wait. Sorry about the smears. It was raining out. I'll just read it to you.

Could you please help me find these things Sir?

1. Occidental College records -- Not released
2. Columbia College records -- Not released
3. Columbia Thesis paper -- "Not available"
4. Harvard College records -- Not released
5. Selective Service Registration -- Not released
6. Medical records -- Not released
7. Illinois State Senate schedule -- Not available
8. Your Illinois State Senate records -- Not available
9. Law practice client list -- Not released
10. Certified Copy of original Birth certificate -- Not released
11. Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth -- Not released
12. Record of your baptism -- Not available


Oh and one more thing Mr. President, I can't seem to find any articles you published as editor of the Harvard Law Review, or as a Professor at the University of Chicago. Can you explain that to me Sir?

Oh but, hey -- listen! I know you're busy! If this is too much for you right now -- I mean -- tell you what. I'll come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, You know? I mean, I know you're busy. I'll just let myself out. I'll be back tomorrow. And the day after. . .

What's that Mr. President? Who wants to know these things?

We the People of the United States of America! You know, the ones that vote?

SIMPLY IRISH

Definition of an Irish husband:

He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because
his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're
always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question,
he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

English shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.

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Delaney: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.
I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Delaney: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting
for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week
people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

---------------------------------

A PLAN

THE PLAN

A.. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B.. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D... In three generations, there will be no Liberals.

GOD, GUNS AND VALOR

Our Country was founded on them
Our Country has been defended by them
Let us remember and be forever grateful
For God, guns and valor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6f_FvZpm3g

A GUY WHO WANTS TO STOP SCAMS?

Human Resources Management Service
United Nations Office Geneva
Palais des Nations
Switzerland.

IN CONJUNCTION WITH
ECO FINANCIAL HOUSE/UNITED NATIONS 2009

COMPENSATIONS PAYMENTS REF/PAYMENTS CODE: TRANSFER#06654 $1,500,000, 00.USD
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is to bring to your notice that, I was delegated from the United Nations ,To pay 100 Scam Victims the sum of $1,500,000, 00.USD ( One Million ,Five hundred thousand United States dollars } each,you are listed and approved for this payments as one of the scammed victims.

On this faithful recommendation,I want you to know that during the last UN meetings held at Abuja, it was alarmed so much by the rest of the world in the meeting on the lost of funds by various foreigners to the Scams Artists operating in syndicates all over the world today, in other to retain the good image of the United Nations , the Secretary General in Collaboration with the UNITED NATION is now paying 100 victims the sum of US$1,500,000, 00.USD each.

According to the number of applicants at hand,84 beneficiaries has been paid,half of the victims are from the United States,we still have more 16 left to be paid the compensations amount of $1,500,000, 00.USD each.

You can receive your compensations payments of US$1.5Million via any of the following options you may choose, DRAFT PAYMENTS, WIRE TRANSFERS , ATM CREDIT CARD and Diplomatic HOME CASH DELIVERY.

For you to be attended to on time you are advised to CALL OR SENT ME A FAX MESSAGE immediately you receive this email for futher enquiry.

NOTE : Make sure you direct all your response to my private email address: drgerarbatten@sgou.com

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Gerard Batten

THE IRISH BAGPIPER

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place..

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.... I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

DEEP THINKING

I had amnesia once --- or twice. I forget.
*****

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
*****

I am neither for nor against apathy.
*****

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*****

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
*****
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
*****

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
*****

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
******

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
*****

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.
*****
My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
*****

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure.
*****

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
*****

How can there be self-help groups ?
*****

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
*****

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
*****

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste just like chicken?

LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington , DC 20500


Mr. Obama:


I have had it with you and your administration, sir. Your conduct on
your recent trip overseas has convinced me that you are not an
adequate representative of the United States of America collectively
or of me personally.

You are so obsessed with appeasing the Europeans and the Muslim
world that you have abdicated the responsibilities of the President of
the United States of America . You are responsible to the citizens of
the United States . You are not responsible to the peoples of any other
country on earth.

I personally resent that you go around the world apologizing for the
United States telling Europeans that we are arrogant and do not
care about their status in the world. Sir, what do you think the
First World War and the Second World War were all about if not
the consideration of the peoples of Europe ? Are you brain dead?
What do you think the Marshall Plan was all about? Do you not
understand or know the history of the 20th century?

Where do you get off telling a Muslim country that the United States
does not consider itself a Christian country? Have you not read the
Declaration of Independence or the Constitution of the United States ?
This country was founded on Judeo-Christian ethics and the principles
governing this country, at least until you came along, come directly
from this heritage. Do you not understand this?

Your bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia is an affront to all Americans.
Our President does not need to bow down to anyone, let alone the
king of Saudi Arabia .. You don’t show Great Britain , our best and one
of our oldest allies, the respect they deserve yet you bow down to the
king of Saudi Arabia .. How dare you, sir! How dare you!

You canE2t find the time to visit the graves of our greatest generation
because you don’t want to offend the Germans but make time to visit a
mosque in Turkey . You offended our dead and every veteran when you
give the Germans more respect than the people who saved the German
people from themselves. What’s the matter with you?
By the way, why didn't you have the guts to enlist in the Army or other
branch to earn your right to be Commander in Chief? Only a coward
would avoid service and then denigrate those who are serving their country.
I am convinced that you and the members of your administration have the
historical and intellectual depth of a mud puddle and should be ashamed
of yourselves, all of you.

You are so self-righteously offended by the big bankers and the
American automobile manufacturers, yet do nothing about the real
thieves in this situation, Mr. Dodd, Mr. Frank, Franklin Raines, Jamie
Gorelic, the Fannie Mae bonuses, and the Freddie Mac bonuses. What do
you intend to do about them? Anything? I seriously doubt it.

What about the U.S. House members passing out $9.1 million in bonuses
to their staff members – on top of the $2.5 million in automatic pay
raises that lawmakers gave themselves? I understand the average House
aide got a 17% bonus. I took a 5% cut in my pay to save jobs with my
employer. You haven’t said anything about that. Who authorized that?
I surely didn’t!

Executives at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will be receiving $210
million in bonuses over an eighteen-month period, that's $45 million
more than the AIG bonuses. In fact, Fannie and Freddie executives
have already been awarded $51 million – not a bad take. Who
authorized that and why haven’t you expressed your outrage at this
group who are largely responsible for the economic mess we have right
now. In just one hundred days, your administration has added more
debt to our country than all 43 of your predecessors combined !!!!
I resent that you take me and my fellow citizens as brain-dead and not
caring about what you idiots do. We are watching what you are doing
and we are getting increasingly fed up with all of you. I also want
you to know that I personally find just about everything you do and
say to be offensive to every one of my sensibilities. I promise you
that I will work tirelessly to see that you do not get a chance to
spend two terms destroying my beautiful country.


Sincerely,


Every real American



P.S. I rarely ask that emails be 'passed around'.............PLEASE
SEND THIS TO YOUR EMAIL LIST......it's past time for all Americans to
wake up!

THE EYES HAVE IT

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

NANCY PELOSI NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES!

Nancy Pelosi was driving through Southern Louisiana while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, Nancy declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
Nancy headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots Pelosi standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, Nancy takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. Nancy struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes Heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

ADAM & EVE: Muslim Version

OBAMA "SURPRISED" VETS DON'T WANT TO PAY THEIR OWN MEDICAL CARE

As an American, this is the most offensive and ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Read Obama’s quote highlighted in BOLD below.

Here is his response as he "changed" his firm and bold decision to require the military to pay for their war injuries. Evidently, this is what he thinks of our men and women in uniform who put their lives on the line every day fighting for our country and who get hurt protecting our American freedom.

A storm of protest from Veterans and the "far right extremist" Fox news, as well as a major mockery of the plan by comedian Jon Stewart, led to President Obama's abandonment of his requirement that veterans' or their private health insurance cover the estimated $540 million annual cost to the federal government for treatment of injuries received during their tours on active duty.

The President admitted that he was puzzled by the magnitude of the opposition to his proposal. "LOOK, IT'S AN ALL VOLUNTEER FORCE," Obama grumbled. "NOBODY MADE THESE GUYS GO TO WAR. THEY HAD TO HAVE KNOWN AND ACCEPTED THE RISKS. NOW THEY WHINE ABOUT BEARING THE COSTS OF THEIR CHOICE? IT DOESN'T COMPUTE. I THOUGHT THESE WERE PEOPLE WHO WERE PROUD TO SACRIFICE FOR THEIR COUNTRY."

Obama continued, "I WASN'T ASKING FOR BLOOD, JUST MONEY. WITH THE COUNTRY FACING THE WORST FINANCIAL CRISIS IT ITS HISTORY, I'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT THE PATRIOTIC THING TO DO WOULD BE TO TRY AND HELP REDUCE THE NATION'S DEFICIT. I GUESS I UNDERESTIMATED THE SELFISHNESS OF SOME OF MY FELLOW AMERICANS."

He's no President. He's an asshole.

A COLUMBINE STORY

Guess our national leaders didn't expect this, hmm? On Thursday, Darrell
Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School
shootings in Littleton , Colorado , was invited to address the House
Judiciary Committee's subcommittee. What he said to our national leaders
during this special session of Congress was painfully truthful.

They were not prepared for what he was to say, nor was it received well.
It needs to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician,
every sociologist, every psychologist, and every so-called expert! These
courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating, and
deeply personal. There is no doubt that God sent this man as a voice
crying in the wilderness. The following is a portion of the transcript:

"Since the dawn of creation there has been both good & evil in the hearts
of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of
violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the
deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must
not be in vain. Their blood cries out f or answers.

"The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel
out in the field. The villain was not the club he used.. Neither was it
the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the
reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.

"In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how
quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a
member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not
here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they
are responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore I do not believe that
they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with
Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent.

I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy -- it was
a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real
blame lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame
lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. I wrote a
poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best.


Your laws ignore our deepest needs,
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage,
You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms,
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere,
And ask the question "Why?"
You regulate restrictive laws,
Through legislative creed.
And yet you fail to understand,
That God is what we need!

" Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind, and
spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we
create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak
havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational
systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began
as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to
us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the
doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as
Columbine's tragedy occurs -- politicians immediately look for a scapegoat
such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that
contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not
need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by
metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months
planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own
hearts.

"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his
two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in
school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge
every young person in America , and around the world, to realize that on
April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our
schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain.
Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for
legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. To
those of you who would point your finger at the NRA -- I give to you a
sincere challenge.. Dare to examine your
own heart before casting the first stone!

My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country
will not allow that to happen!"

THE ARROGANT AMERICAN

Below is an article about arrogance
that you won’t see in the new york times
(and if this offends you, i make no apologies)

Arrogant Americans, Mr. President?
Peter Heck - Guest Columnist - 4/14/2009 7:50:00 AM

As I was sitting in church waiting for the start of the service, my grandpa came walking towards me pointing his finger. No matter how old I get, and no matter how long he's been out of the U.S. Navy, that's still an intimidating sight. As he approached me, his voice quivered as he said: We saved that continent twice...how dare my president apologize for this country's arrogance. My grandpa is right. Americans need not apologize to the world for their arrogance; rather, Americans should apologize to their forefathers for the arrogance of their president.

Barack Obama's first foreign trip as President of the United States has confirmed the naiveté so many of us feared during the election cycle. But worse than that, it has also demonstrated that our president suffers from either a complete misunderstanding of our heritage and history, or an utter contempt for it. Neither is excusable.

Garnering cheers from the French of all people, President Obama declared, In America, there is a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive. Consider that Obama spoke these words just 500 miles from the beaches of Normandy, where the sand is still stained with 65-year-old blood of arrogant Americans.

Indeed, columnist Mark Whittington observes, One should remind Mr. Obama and the Europeans how America has shown arrogance by saving Europe from itself innumerable times in the 20th Century. World War I, World War II, the Cold War, and the wars in the Balkans were largely resolved by American blood, treasure, and leadership. But all that appears lost on the pre sident's seemingly insatiable quest to mend fences he imagines have been tarnished by the bullish George W. Bush.

If Obama wishes to continue trampling the presidential tradition of showing class to former office holders and publicly trash Bush for his own personal gain, so be it. But all Americans should make clear that no man even if he is the president will tarnish the legacy of those Americans who have gone before us. Ours is not a history of arrogance. It is a history of courage, self-sacrifice, and honor.

When abusive monarchs repressed the masses, Americans resisted and overthrew them. When misguided policies led to the unjust oppression of fellow citizens, Americans rebelled and overturned them. When millions of impoverished and destitute wretches sought a new beginning, Americans threw open the door and welcomed them. When imperial dictators were on the march, Americans surrendered their lives to stop them. When communist thugs threatened world peace, Americans bled to defeat them. When an entire continent was overwhelmed with famine and hunger, Americans gave of themselves to sustain it. When terrorist madmen killed the innocent and subjugated millions, Americans led the fight to topple them.

This is the legacy that generations of Americans have left. If President Obama seeks stronger relations with the world community, perhaps he should begin by reminding them of these very truths, rather than condemning his own countrymen on foreign shores.
This obsessive need to put down his own country, has caused blogger James Lewis to call President Obama a stunningly ignorant man who has evidently never spoken to a concentration camp survivor, a Cuban refugee, a boat person from Vietnam , a Soviet dissident, or a survivor of Mao's purges.

Unfortunately, I can no longer bring myself to give Mr. Obama that benefit of the doubt. Not after looking at the pain in my grandpa's eyes...a man who still carries shrapnel in his body from his service to this country.

As a student and teacher of history, I recognize that America has made mistakes...plenty of them, in fact. But one of the great things about our people has been their courage and humility in admitting and correcting those mistakes. God willing, they will prove that willingness again in four years and correct the mistake that is the presidency of Barack Obama.

MOON WALKER

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CAS UAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECK ING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY

A GOOD MULE IS HARD TO FIND

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning
till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old
mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife
brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat
down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began
nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the
old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the
head.
Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for
a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached
him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would
come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her
dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' 'And what about the men?' the
minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

ESPECIALLY FOR MOTHER'S DAY

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, “I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn't work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple tersely, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What's wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!”, St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”

INSTEAD OF GOVERNMENT TAKING OVER BUSINESS...

This may boggle your mind . . HOW BIG IS WAL-MART?

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day. Worldwide Sales for FY ended 2008 were $347.5 Billion!
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day
(March 17th) more than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer. And most can't speak English. Figures!
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World ..
7. Wal-Mart now sell more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's
population is approximately 6.5 billion.) 12. 90% of all
Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart. Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street. Better yet . . . let them run the Government!

WARM UP TO THIS

Sign at Nudist Camp:

"CLOTHED FOR WINTER"

IS "CHANGE" GOOD FOR AMERICA?

From California...

If the legislation being proposed in the House called Hate Crimes Legislation passes we can now rightfully accept the demise of democracy. In just over 100 days we have morphed into Fascism. Over 200 years in the making crumpled in a matter of days. Even Hitler took sometime to convert the country.

CALLING ALL SEALS

FLOWER CHILD

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement. '

A PEG TO HANG YOUR GOLF CAP ON?

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked him, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist replied, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about intimacy anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so that I don't pee on my new golf shoes."