THOUGHTS ON A SUNNY DAY

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does.. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

1907

1907 PHOTO: This one needs to circulate

I think this is one email that needs to be forwarded until every

American with a computer receives it..

The year is 1907, one hundred and 3 years ago. 

READ PRINT UNDER PICTURE!

Theodore Roosevelt's Ideas on Immigrants and Being an 

AMERICAN in 1907.

'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American.... There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.'  Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Every American citizen needs to read this!

NEW STYLE BINGO

Here is something to help make Obama's speeches almost tolerable. Just print out this page, distribute it to friends, and listen... (be sure to read directions at the bottom):

Rules for BULL SHIT BIMBO...(I MEAN BINGO):

1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, print your "Bullshit Bimbo"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!" [or
Shout out “PELOSI” (means the same thing)]

Testimonials from past satisfied "BULLSHIT BINGO" players:

"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." - Jack W., Boston

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." - David D., Florida

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win." - Bill R., New York City

“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third time in two hours!"

P.O.P.

New Political Party...

Not Democrat, Not Republican, Not Independent.

It's called the "PISSED OFF PARTY" (or POP).

This party is dedicated to vote every incumbent out of office in the next elections. If you're Democrat, vote Democrat. Just don't vote for the incumbent. If you're Republican, vote Republican. Just don't vote for the incumbent.  

We need to send a message to all politicians, that we're tired of their B.S.  

If the country votes out all the incumbents, the new incoming politicians will get the message. It's pretty simple. Nobody needs to change parties and let's face it, there's plenty of blame to spread around. A few good politicians will lose their job but they probably have better retirement and insurance than 95% of the American public.

You've had to struggle for the last 5 years.. Some of you have lost your job and may be working in some other sector just to feed your family. I guarantee you, none of them will suffer like this country has.
If you like what’s going on and think this is a bad idea, delete this.

But if you're fed up and think this is a good idea, then pass this E-mail on. If you really think this has legs then a website and a blog could help get the word out.

Here's an irritated Senior!! 

This should be read and understood by all Americans - Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To All 535 voting members of the Legislature:  

It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:

• The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.

• Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.

• Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.

• War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.

• Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.

• Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.

• The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM?

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE NEED FOR GOOD HEALTH CARE, IT'S ABOUT TRUSTING THE GOVERNMENT TO RUN IT.  They’re already admitting it’s going to cost more than they said and that our premiums and taxes are going up… NOT down? Now, they’re lying and saying they never told us costs were going to go down, it was always about getting everyone covered! And YES, they admit, as soon as the 12-15 million illegal aliens get their amnesty, they will be covered, too… at still higher premiums and taxes for us!

Folks, keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' and their staff (they never read anything) will clue them in on how we Americans feel.

SEE WHAT YOUR CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATE DID TO YOU?

Interesting Statistics:

A recent "Investor's Business Daily" article provided very interesting statistics from a survey by the United Nations International Health Organization.

1)Percentage of men and women who survived a cancer five years after diagnosis:

U.S. 65%

England 46%

Canada 42%

2)Percentage of patients diagnosed with diabetes, and received treatment within six months:

U.S. 93%

England 15%

Canada 43%

3)Percentage of seniors needing hip replacement, and received within six months:

U.S. 90%

England 15%

Canada 43%

4)Percentage referred to a medical specialist, and sees one within 30 days:

U.S. 77%

England 40%

Canada 43%

5)Number of MRI scanners (a prime diagnostic tool) per million people:

U.S. 71

England 14

Canada 18

6)Percentage of seniors (65+), with low income, who say they are in "excellent health":

U.S. 12%

England 2%

Canada 6%

I don't believe I want "Universal Health Care" that is comparable to England or Canada.

Moreover, it was Sen. Harry Reid who said, "Elderly Americans must learn to accept the inconveniences of old age." Perhaps Sen. Reid should retire to Canada or England when he is voted out of office.  He is "elderly" himself, but be sure to remember his health insurance is different from yours as Congress has their own high-end coverage! He will never have to learn to accept "inconveniences"!!!

P.S. The percentage of each past president's cabinet who had worked in the private business sector prior to their appointment to the cabinet. You know what the private business sector is -- a real life business, not a government job. Here are the percentages.

T. Roosevelt.........38%
W. H. Taft..............40%
W. Wilson.............52%
W. Harding...........49%
C. Coolidge..........48%
H. Hoover.............42%
F. D. Roosevelt....50%
H. S. Truman........50%
D. Eisenhower.....57%
J. F. Kennedy......30%
L. B. Johnson......47%
R. M. Nixon..........53%
G. Ford.................42%
J. Carter...............32%
R. Reagan............56%
G. H. W. Bush......51%
W. J. Clinton........39%
G. W. Bush...........55%

B. H. Obama...........8%

Yep! That's right! Only Eight Percent...the least by far of the last 19 presidents...yet they are trying to tell our big corporations how to run their businesses?

They claim to know what's best for GM...Chrysler...Wall Street...and you and me?

How can the president of a major nation and society, the one with the most successful economic system in world history, stand and talk about business when he's never worked for one? Or about jobs when he has never really had one? And neither has 92% of his senior staff and closest advisers?  They've spent most of their time in academia, government and/or non-profit jobs....or as "community organizers" when they should have been in an employment line.

GOD HELP US!!

CITY BOY AND DONKEY

A city boy, Barry, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Barry replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Barry said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Barry: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Barry: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Barry and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Barry: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Barry: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." 

Barry grew up and eventually became President of the United States.

RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

My neighbor invited me over for a neighborhood Tea Party.  Now I know how to make bombs and chase Progressives!  Whoopie! 

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say,
'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life,
Because Life is a journey to be savored.