NEW RULES OF GOLF

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it, to see if it breaks easily.


Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.


When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls. But don't call them Mulligans. It sounds amateurish.


If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.


The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.


No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. Drinking lots of beer either makes you better or worse, so why not do it?


The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors, so now, you are really screwed.


Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. Otherwise, forget it.


A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's outrageous luck.


It is surprisingly easy to hole a thirty foot putt. For a 'Snowman' (an 8).


Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.


Nonchalant putts count the same as deliberate putts.


It's not a gimme if you're still away.


The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large Oak tree.


You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.


If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.


Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.


When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.


Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.


To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.


There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. (Or by the 13th hole, after 6 beers, you can shake your head to knock the ash off your cigarette.)


Law of Nature: Hazards attract; fairways repel..


A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. Never is, never will be.


If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is the one that's buried.


It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 AM to mow the grass.


A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a terrible golfer from giving up the game forever.


Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would in church. On the other hand, you might be forced to go to church after saying the things you did while playing.


A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why you get so many calls to play with friends.


If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.


Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy dozens of fresh ones each week..


It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.


If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or nine)....