AN INSPIRATIONAL MOMENT

About once a week, when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a cold beer along with a quiet personal conversation with Jesus. This happened to me on Thursday after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil." And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

Jesus replied,"That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but now, I have to finish your lawn."

ADVICE FROM MARLON BRANDO?

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe; a couple a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"

IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS

What Love means to a 4-8 year old...

Touching words from the mouth of babes.A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:


'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love..'

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.. They look gross when they kiss'

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it >everyday.'

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night..'

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

THE POWER OF PRAYER?

Kids Prayers

1. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come
apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the Bble. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

5. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf
words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

12 Dear God In Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do
any now?
Billy

14. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God, My brother told me about how you were born, but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place.
Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas

PRESIDENTIAL TOPIC?

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why
do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama... when you don't know sh_t?"

NEW BASIC ELEMENT DISCVOVERED!!!

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

WHY THERE IS NO NATIVITY SCENE ALLOWED IN WASHINGTON D.C.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Nation's Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capitol, nor could they find a virgin.

P.S. There was no problem,however, finding enough jack-asses to fill the stable.

WAS JESUS FROM CALIFORNIA?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

AMEN

DOCTOR'S SPEAK OUT ABOUT BAILOUTS!

Doctors' Opinions of Financial Bail-Out Packages

The Allergists voted to scratch it.

The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.

But the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'.

The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

But the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to the assholes in Washington and Ottawa.....

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FARTS

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.'

Seniors - don't mess with them . . . . .!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Since I don't believe we should just say Happy Holidays - Let us never forget what it means!!!

I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone a Merry Christmas this year ...
My way of saying that I am celebrating the birth Of Jesus Christ. So I am asking my email buddies, if you agree with me, to please do the same.

And if you'll pass this on to your email buddies, and so on... maybe we can prevent one more American tradition from being lost in the sea of "Political Correctness".

To one and All...

IDEAL CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR RETIREES

SOMEBODY PAID

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55xJnIqq9ZI

Good Job Available?

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico .. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Good grief, is that where the job is?'

'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now.

SARAH PALIN FORGIVES; To Host Political Party in Alaska

Although the rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians quickly adjust can return to reality.

For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her: Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has arranged a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them:

Dick Cheney will Guide the hunt, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION

THANK YOU

Happy Holidays everyone...I don't normally do this and I know this is a very busy and hectic time of year for everyone, but I came across this wonderful thing that Xerox is doing ..something very cool.

If you go to this web site, www.L etsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card; Xerox will print it; and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes a second.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them.

This takes just 10 seconds and it's a wonderful way to say thank you. Please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's.

Thanks for taking time to support our military and happy holidays...

DUHHHH, DIDN'T OBAMA JUST HIRE A BLONDE?

Since we’re at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story passed on by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC’s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States.

It should have been pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one of the several pretty, blonde girls in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,.....................................................................

‘What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?’

And someday she’ll vote!

BUBBA

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together! . ;Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba. The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.

THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO RETIREMENT; WE'RE ALL GONNA BE WORKIN' TO PAY OFF THE NATIONAL DEBT!

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live... Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice ? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

A DOOR TO REALITY

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

A MESSAGE TO THE HOUSE FINANCIAL OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE?

TODAY'S WORD: "CELIBACY"

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstance.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

COURT JUDGE INCAPABLE OF MAKING GOOD DECISIONS?

San Diego , California-

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a San Diego County courtroom drama yesterday when he Challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the San Diego Chargers Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

(This email was circulated Thursday, December 4, 2008)

HOW TO HAVE A GREAT AFFAIR?

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD' !

EXCITING NEW PRESIDENTIAL OATH?

The word "testis" comes from Latin, meaning to bear witness.

And apparently back in ancient Rome, only MEN could bear witness or testify in a public forum.

In order to show importance to their testimony, they would hold their testicles as they spoke, and an oath was declared while holding another's testicles.

So that's where we get the word testify from today.

WHY WE LOVE KIDS

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the
Van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. A s I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, little darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11 ) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

LET THE OLD FARTS HANDLE IT!

New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Service Vets over 60.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ... ER ... one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol ... we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

NO POST THIS WEEK

Try to have a Happy Thanksgiving.

OVER AND OVER AGAIN, Not A Sing-A-Long?

Einstein once said 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'*

It is surely the mentally challenged who habitually reelect a dumb-shit, do nothing Congress and expect different results.

MORE GOVERNMENTAL BRILLIANCE IN ACTION?

Do you have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the Department of Energy during the Carter Administration? Anybody? Anything? No? Didn't think so. Bottom line . . . . We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember.

Ready? It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted August 4, 1977 to LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Now, it’s 2008, 31 years later, and the budget for the Department of Energy is $24.2 BILLION a year, they have 16,000 Federal employees plus approximately 100,000 contract employees and look at the job they’ve done!

THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?'

Ah yes, good old bureaucracy. Now we are going to turn the banking system, the housing industry and the automobile industry over to them?

2,063 YEARS LATER---

'The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.'

Cicero , 55 BC

A STORY OF DETERMINED INSPIRATION?

Recently I was asked to play in a golf charity tournament. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!' Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...Shit - I could win this!

DEAR DEER

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates and begged their dad for the clue.

Smiling broadly and arching one eyebrow, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother: 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole...'

OVERDRAWN?

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking
market, if one of my checks is returned marked
'insufficient funds', does that refer to me or to
you?

Sincerely Yours,

Confused American

HEAVENLY VOICES

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, my name is Vanessa.

2nd woman: Hi, I'm Nicole. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds . I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

WHEN WILL AMERICANS TAKE BACK THEIR COUNTRY?

Furthermore, I resent all to hell the $700B "loan" (giveaway) and the millions of dollars requested to bail out the auto industries. They knew decades ago that they could NOT compete with or comply with the demands that the consumers lobbied for. They have had the ability to provide much better, non-oil using automobiles for years...my brother in law had a carburetor that would convert natural gas and water for powering all American autos...ALL autos for that matter. However, in steps GM and buys the carburetor from him and shelves it...never did use it. All Ralph got out of it was enough to pay for the equipment and the manpower to pay for the research and production.

There are so many evils that MUST be addressed and eradicated and only WE, the American people, the HONEST American People, must seek out and eradicate THEM before they do unto us! Want to join me in this endeavour? Then let's shut up and get going...one person at a time..soon becomes a crowd...soon becomes a majority...no lobbying, just refusal to put up with the bullshit we've been fed and forced to swallow. NO MORE! We owe our forebearers and those that effort and more than that, WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS CUZ SURE AS SHIT NOBODY ELSE WILL!

Just sign on the dotted line and pass this on...let's see how far this can go...double dare you!

$700 billion? See how quickly we forget. First, there was $85 billion, remember? THEN, the $700 billion and then, barely mentioned, another $35 billion. See what they have done to us? It's ony $700 billion, and even THEY believe it!. That totals $920 billion, the way I count. NOW, they're talking $300 to $500 billlion more and they haven't finished doling out the $700 billion yet. What in the hell makes them think America is going to start buying cars again if AMERICANS aren't getting jobs, income, tax incentives to spend and if all of their retirement income is gone? And why American cars? You get better value for the dollar with Japanese cars.

You think we should start a movement to eradicate those thinkers before they eradicate us? Those thinkers make up Congress. Everyone is ticked off at Congress over the $700 billion but, even before, Congress only had a 12% approval rating? How many of those guys did this country vote out? Unless the seat was open anyway, how many seats did we change? Two? Unless we had election fraud on a massive scale, it is obvious that this country WANTS a Congress that only has a 12% approval rating!

Now, how do you cure that?

The pen, they say, is mightier than the sword. But, words must be published before they can be read. The print and broadcast media in this country have conspired to keep the words penned by those who care from being published.

Doesn't all of this just scare the crap out of you? Americans in a grass roots effort to take back their country? Forget it; they're too busy watching Letterman.

FLY ME TO THE MOON?

During a commercial airline flight a Air Force Pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother
began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot
responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot
fashion exclaimed .... 'And all these years I've been chewing gum!!

OLD SEA DOGS MOVE TO WASHINGTON?

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There's an old sea story in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the field, and afterward told the 'Gunny' that the men smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested the solution is that they should change underwear.

The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!'

The Gunny went straight to the squad tent and announced, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!'


THE MORAL:

A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington , but don't count on things smelling any better.

MAKING THE GRADE

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.

READY FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

Due to increasing age, cost, forgetfulness; and my decreasing ability to send cards on time, here is my card to cover every holiday... Happy Friggin' Everything!

COWBOYS

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class
>that she is a Redskins fan.
>
>She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Redskins
>fans.
>
>Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their
>hand except one little girl.
>
>The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you
>raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Redskins fan,' she replied.
>
>The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Redskins fan,
>then who are you a fan of?'
>
>'I am an Eagles fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied.
>
>The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie, please tell me why you
>are you an Eagles fan?'
>
>'Because my mom is an Eagles fan, and my dad is an Eagles fan, so I'm an
>Eagles fan too!'
>
>'Well,' said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
>for you to be a Eagles fan.
>You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if
>your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be
>then?'
>
>'Then,' Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Cowboys fan.'
>
>
> ------------------------------ -----------------------
>
>
>Four football fans - a Giants fan, a Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, and a
>Cowboys fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his
>team more.
>
>The Giants fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Giants!'
>he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
>
>Not to be outdone, the Redskins fan shouts, 'This is for the Skins!' and
>throws himself off the mountain.
>
>The Eagles fan is next to profess his love for his team.
>
>He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Cowboys fan off the
>mountain.
>
>
> ----------------------------- ------------------------------
>----------
>
>
>An Eagles fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Cowboys fan he saw
>strutting down the street with an obnoxious blue and white starred
>shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just
>missing them.
>
>One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a
>good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, 'Where are you going,
>Father?'
>
>'I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the
>road,' replied the priest.
>
>'Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!' The priest climbed into the
>passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
>
>Suddenly, the driver saw a Cowboys fan walking down the road, and he
>instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back
>onto the road just in time.
>
>Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a
>loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his
>mirrors but still didn't see anything.
>
>He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and
> said, sorry Father, I almost hit that Cowboys fan.'
>
>'That's OK,' replied the priest 'I got him with the door.'

HE'S AN ASS!

There is a new study just released by the Canadian Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

MISPLACED MORALITIES?

Did you know that tampering with a sea turtle's egg bead will get you thrown in prison? If that 's seams crazy, did you know that over 32,000 developing human embryos are legally destroyed every day?

2009?

My fellow Americans, and as you know, our nation faces many emerging situations that may potentially have serious implications regarding the ongoing internal economic conditions and, indeed, the very security of our country. It is in my opinion, and the opinion of the leaders of the Congress, that dealing with the situation is an immediate, and I do mean immediate, requirement, even far more so than the emergency economic legislation of October last year.

We face an immediate cash crisis regarding the ability for our nation, the leader of the world, to meet our international monetary obligations as well as our need for internal social programs and the ongoing costs of government as a whole. Failure to address this issue within the next 48 hours could lead to international bankruptcy on the part of the United States and disastrous consequences throughout the entire world. This obviously is not an option.

Not only is the threat of personal security to our citizens due to crimes committed with guns severe, but we are now faced with the threat of terrorist acts against our government and its officers being committed by terrorists from within the United States using guns. And, when I say guns, I include both guns purchased and registered and owned legally and unregistered guns and other guns stolen and owned illegally.

The third threat to the United States is a worldwide threat created and caused by differing ideologies among countries. The world now has the nuclear ability, the technological capabilities, to destroy ourselves and we can no longer allow ourselves the luxury of having such widely diverse ideologies in control of so many factions and areas of the world community.

During the days following the election, the new Vice-President and I have been in many closed-door meetings with top and senior members of both houses of Congress to discuss these serious issues and to be ready to deal with them as soon as the inaugural transition took place. During these discussions, it became evident that the need to act would be imminent and that we would not have time to deal with the changes to the Constitution that must be undertaken for us to act quickly and effectively in the best interests of our country.

It was therefore decided, and both full houses of Congress have agreed and late this afternoon voted by a majority, to undertake the following actions:

First, the Congress has voted to declare a State of National Emergency.

Secondly, the Congress has voted to empower me, as your President, to undertake certain emergency actions to deal with these issues.

Third, the Congress has voted, as a result of the Declaration of National Emergency, to temporarily suspend certain provisions of the United States Constitution that have a direct bearing on my ability to deal with these situations.

Fourth, under the powers thus vested in me in this Emergency Declaration, and with the consent and agreement of the Congress, I am directing that all banks, brokerage houses, investment companies, and similar financial institutions doing business in the United States shall immediately come under full and direct control of the Government of the United States, specifically the Secretary of the Treasury until such a time as the impending financial crisis can be resolved and we have reasonable assurance that it will not return to bite us again. Accordingly, I am directing the closure of all such facilities effective immediately and over the weekend so that we can hold meetings with management officials of those organizations to discuss their new operating rules, and I anticipate that we should be able to reopen all of them on Tuesday.

Fifth, I am directing that 10% of all individual and business investments or deposits held by these financial institutions shall become the property of the United States Government in order to help us through the cash monetary situation that we face. I believe there will be some kind of a tax benefit for this, but I am unable to confirm that at this time.

Number six, the stock, futures and commodities markets will be closed both Monday and Tuesday, to prevent any wild transactions as we go through this process.

Seventh, as you know, all guns sold and purchased in the United States in recent decades have been subject to registration. Under my authority granted through this declaration, I am declaring possession or ownership of any guns for any reasons whatever to be illegal in this country unless you are a law enforcement officer or member of the military. You are directed to turn in all of your guns to your nearest law enforcement agency by February 28^th and if it is discovered that you have not turned in all of your registered guns, you will be subject to a fine of up to $5,000 and a jail term of up to one year for each gun not turned in. Furthermore, if you own non-registered guns, or guns that are not in your name, and you fail to turn them in by February 28^th and it is subsequently determined that you did not comply with this emergency directive, the fine will be doubled and the jail time will go to five years for each such weapon not turned in, in addition to any sentence that you might receive for committing a crime with such guns. The manufacture or importation of guns or ammunition or gunpowder is strictly prohibited effective today. Once this process has been completed, personal safety in this country will be vastly improved and the threat of terrorism will be greatly reduced.

Number eight, and I am nearing the end, it is the shared opinion of world leaders that the time has now come to advance ourselves as a world society of mankind, and I am empowered as your President to enter into negotiations with the major countries of the world, including Russia, China, Japan, Iran, Great Britain, Mexico, Venezuela, Canada, India, Syria, France and Spain, to begin the process for the establishment of a world government. Of course, the United States would play a prominent and leading role in those negotiations, thereby ensuring that our nation will be in a comfortable position in the new world order. And, as a result of the conclusion of these negotiations, it will no longer be necessary for the United States to have a separate Constitution.

In closing, we are grateful that our country has survived 230 years under the Constitution that was created by our forefathers and that has served us so well. Now, we look forward to new beginnings and directions that will ultimately bring all men of all nations under one rule forever.

Thank you, and good night.