OBAMA'S DOCTORS?

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties,  they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;  they put up a sign reading:  "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".   The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read:  "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"  This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.

TRUCKER'S BREAKFAST

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." 

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... Mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon !

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
Headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! 

AT LEAST WE KNOW THEY WEREN'T DESTINED FOR DEMOCRATS

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.  President Obama was awakened at 4 am by  the telephone..

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!   I've just received word that the Durex  factory in Washington has burned to the ground.   It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be  used up by the end of the week."

Obama:    "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be  ruined. We'll have to ship some condoms in from Mexico .."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada ?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and  three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect  us  as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick,  exactly as requested... All colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:

MADE IN CANADA - SIZE:  SMALL
 

Forward this if you're proud to be Canadian!

GUARD DOG FOR SALE... CHEAP

I came home the other night to find out my house had been burglarized and my new TV and stereo stolen.  My guard dog did absolutely nothing about it, so I am willing to give her away.  Just pay the shipping charges. 

NEW DOMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER

Congressman Anthony Weiner just announced he will run for President and has selected Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate:

Weiner-Holder in 2012 ...!

SPEAKING GERMAN

In Texas, there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population. 

 

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.  The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm!  Trink das wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen,"  (which  means:  "Glad to meet you!  Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.")

 

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you.  Please speak in English." 

 

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."

WORLD'S LONGEST PASSWORD

During a recent password audit in the White House, it was found that a blonde staffer was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

  

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.