WHY DOESN'T CONGRESS TACKLE THESE ISSUES?

They're too busy passing laws no one wants?

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WE LL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO T HEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

HE WHO LAUGH'S LOUDEST....

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture
was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought
this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the
area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time
with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera
flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace..

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.

THE HAIRCUT

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

PIRATE STORY

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'

'Well, it was my first day with the hook.'

I SPENT THE AFTERNOON IN A BIKER BAR IN BURNEY, CALIFORNIA

ANOTHER SAD DEATH

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy 's hand in his right hand and

Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, Nancy spoke ... "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and

Savior Jesus Christ.." The old priest continued, "He died between two lying thieves ...

I would like to do the same."

CALIFORNIA INSISTS ON GUN CONTROL

In spite of the Supreme Court ruling on the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, and in the face of rising opposition to its continuing and rampant disregard of public opinion regarding anything and everything, the California State Legislature is soon to consider two bills designed to curtail the ownership of guns.

Sponsored by Assembly Member Kevin De Leon and scheduled to be heard on June 30th, Assembly Bill 962 would make it a crime to privately transfer more than 50 rounds of ammunition per month, even between family and friends, unless you are registered as a “handgun ammunition vendor” in the Department of Justice’s database. Ammunition retailers would have to be licensed and store ammunition in such a manner that it would be inaccessible to purchasers. The bill would also require purchasers submit to fingerprinting, which would be kept in dealers' records and subject to inspection by the Department of Justice. Lastly, mail order ammunition sales would be prohibited. Obviously, this legislation would drive ammunition sales to Arizona, Nevada and Oregon, including the tax revenues. It makes less sense than Prohibition.

Also scheduled to be heard June 30th, Senate Bill 585, introduced by State Senator Mark Leno, would prohibit the sale of firearms and ammunition on the property or inside the buildings that comprise the the nationally famous Cow Palace. In short, SB585 is a stepping-stone to banning gun shows on all publicly-owned property in California. Once again, the legislature is hell-bent on driving revenues out of the state to Reno and Las Vegas.

And you wonder why California is bankrupt?