FOR SWINGERS WHO LIKE TO BALL

1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing an Aspirin pill around a cow pasture."

2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful woman, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."

3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my
ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."

4. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume,
temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club
recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said, "I'd say
either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3-iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt.
"What kind of stupid choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir," said the caddie.

5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of
strokes when you consider the course."

7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew
tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."

8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the
ball and hit it with the shadow."

9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and
write down five."

10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."

11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to four feet."

12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy
without being good at."

13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are
afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."

15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."

16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to
count past five."

17. Jay Leno: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that
during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed
short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside
fast. If God wants to play through, let Him."

21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field
fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."

22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 89 of my life."

23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."

After being interviewed by the school administration,
the teaching prospect said,

"Let me see if I've got this right:

You want me to... go into that room with all those kids,

1. correct their disruptive behavior,
2. observe them for signs of abuse,
3. monitor their dress habits,
4. censor their T-shirt messages,
5. and instill in them a love for learning.

You want me to..

6 - check their backpacks for weapons,
7 - wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and
8 - raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

You want me to....

9 - teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and
10 - how to register to vote,
11 - balance a checkbook, and
12 - apply for a job.

You want me to

13 - check their heads for lice,
14 - recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and
1 5 - make sure that they all pass the state exams.

You also want me to

16 - provide them with an equal education regardless of their
handicaps, and
17 - communicate regularly with their parents in English and Spanish by letter, telephone, conferences, email, homework hotline, web page, midterm newsletters, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a
bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

You want me to do all this and then you tell me......

"I CAN'T PRAY?"

Are you nuts?

WIZARD

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

IN THE SOUP

Available soon at a "re-distribution" center near you .. . delicious when served with "ACORN" squash!

WARNING: Consumption may cause need for "Joe the Plumber"!

THE ECONOMY IS SOOOO BAD...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $2 TRILLION disappear.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Vegas casino owners are gambling in each other's joints.

The Japanese are importing American cars.

INVESTMENT STRATEGY?

Ruth Madoff, the wife of super scammer Bernie Madoff, had wanted to hold onto her Manhattan penthouse and $62 million while her husband serves his sentence for 11 felony counts, but prosecutors do not intend to allow her to continue her luxurious lifestyle. The government wants to seize the $7 million Upper East Side apartment, as well as the couples' homes in Palm Beach, the Hamptons, and France, according to court filings in district court in New York.

In addition to the homes and valuables, prosecutors will seek to seize the funds in two bank accounts in Ruth Madoff's name. One at Wachovia Bank contains over $17 million according to prosecutors; a second at COHMAD Securities Group containing an estimated $45 million.

Investigators are unclear as to why she didn't invest in her husband's funds.

A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO PRINCESS NANCY

In a time where so much is being made about our first black president, Ann Coulter made the following observation in her column of 2/25/2009:

"But as long as the nation is obsessed with historic milestones, is no one going to remark on what a great country it is where a mentally retarded woman can become speaker of the house?”