WHAT EVERY MAN WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

JEWISH BLONDE

A Jewish blonde  goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I  have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
 

The clerk says, "What  denomination?"  

The blonde says, "God help us. Has  it come to this?  Give me 15 Orthodox, 15  Conservative and 20 Reformed."

DON'T GET MAD, GET EVEN

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while, the first Redneck says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby. Would that make us related?'

The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says: 'Well, I do not know about related, but it sure would make us even.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

And thusly, students, we eventually arrive at the formula for understanding women. 

ET TU, CHIEF

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Washington State asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.  So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'  The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'  

NANCY PELOSI WILL FLY SOUTHWEST?

Word has it that Nancy Pelosi, having lost her private Air Force jet for her trips back and forth fro0m Washington to San Francisco, has decided to fly on Southwest due to her pay cut from the House Speaker's job.  The reason she chose Southwest?

Bags fly free. 

HIYA THERE, YOU HUNK, YOU!

An elderly woman was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.  She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her guest leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'. 

The elderly woman hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'