GREAT MINDS

Great Orators of the Democrat Party, Past & Present 'One man with courage makes a majority.'  - Andrew Jackson 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'  - Franklin D. Roosevelt 'The buck stops here.'  - Harry S. Truman 'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'  - John F. Kennedy And from today's Democrats... 'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is.' - Bill Clinton 'Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'  - John Edwards 'I invented the Internet' - Al Gore 'The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS.' - Joe Biden ' America is -- is no longer, uh, what it -- it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was ... uh, and I say to, uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh, for my children.' - Barack Obama 'I have campaigned in all 57 states.' - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)   (I watched a video clip where he made that statement.) 'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'   - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006) 'Paying taxes is voluntary..'  - Sen. Harry Reid 'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'  - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998) HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR IMPERILED COUNTRY?

THINGS THE BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU

1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.


2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.


3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste ... And taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.


4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.


5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.


6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.


7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom-and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.


8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door-understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.


9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)


10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.


11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.


12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.


13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television.. (Find it atfaketv.com..)


8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:


1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.


2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.


3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.


4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?


5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.


6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.


7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.


8.. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runscrimedoctor.com; and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job.

2009 WINNERS

2009 Winners of the NY Post Neologism Contest


The winners are:


1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.),a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are this year's winners:


1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6.. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

SPEAKING OF SHIRTS...

PRIEST NEEDED!

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST,

PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his

Last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a

Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic

Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their

services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort

to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get
through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down,
leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

B-4 . . . I-19 . . . N-38 . . . G-54 . . . O-72

THE MONASTERY

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236, 284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, ! this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

AMERICAN BEER SHORTAGES BREWING?

Anheuser-Busch Beer Company began its operations in St. Louis, Missouri in 1860. By 1957 it had become the largest brewer in the United States, producing 11 billion bottles of beer. The Brazilian-Belgian Brewing Company InBev successively acquired for good or for bad the Anheuser-Busch Company on March 13, 2009 for a reportedly 46 billion dollars in an unauthorized bid. This acquisition brings together Budweiser, Michelob, Stella Artois, Bass and Brahma into the same family. It is the second biggest purchase of a U.S. Company after Proctor and Gamble acquired bought Gillette Co. for 57 billion in 2005. As of 2009 InBev has divested itself of Bush Gardens and Sea World theme parks located in Southern California. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/InBev 

The families or clans as they are referred to that created InBev and are the controlling force behind it are the de Spoelberchs, de Prêt, Van Dammes, and de Mevius, who are Belgium’s wealthiest families. Jorge Paulo Lemann, Carlos Sicupira and Marcel Tell are cofounders of the investment bank Banco Garantia of Brazil. They also sit on the board of director’s of Anheuser-Bush InBev.
http://www.alumni.hbs.edu/awards/2009/brazilians.html

Two weeks ago employees at the Belgian Brewery Stella Artois, Jupiler and Hoegaarden closed down all operations in protest of the elimination of 3000 jobs at that plant.
In consequence of their actions, a shortage has occurred in the European and American Markets because of distribution agreements with InBev. As of Friday an agreement has been reached between management and the union to place a hold on all layoffs.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hEziGvFPU0QRqCTTmlEmOSfXctjg
 
“They are a well oiled machine and they will stop at nothing,” said Claudio Bueno, when his business was destroyed by InBev’s business tactics. They now control one fourth of all beer sales, and greater profits. Plans may be in the works to finalize full ownership of Grupo Modelo SAB the maker of Corona beer in Mexico, which they inherited from the purchase of Anheuser-Busch.
"It's no secret that they've been eyeing Anheuser-Busch for a long time," Morningstar's Gilpin said. "Anheuser-Busch has been focused on U.S. domination and InBev was focused on global domination and that is the final frontier for them."
Another bit of history on Inbev is its buy out of Fujian Sedrin Brewery the largest brewer in Fujian Province of China in January of 2006. It has been renamed, “InBev Sedrin.” Becoming china’s largest brewery.
http://www.ab-inbev.com/press_releases/20060125.1.e.cfm

Hop and grain shortages may have aided InBev’s mission. One leading cause was flooding in Europe. The shortage of 2007 impacted the microbrewers because they did not have buffer hops in storage as did the larger brewers. The supply and demand balance was set up for shortages, and prices went up. Another way for big conglomerates’ to manipulate price is to control the raw materials used in brewing. Add to that the higher cost of farming, harvesting and transportation. As we have seen in other products, when prices go up, they never return to its previous price point. After InBev’s merger with Anheuser-Busch they increased prices five percent.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16245024
 
According to Outside the Beltway, the S.S. Steiner warehouse in Yakima, Washington burned to the ground in March of 2006. Lost in this fire was four percent of America’s yield of hops for the nation. According to CNN, “The United States produces 24 percent of the world’s hops, and about three-fourths of the U.S. crop comes from the Yakima Valley.”
http://blog.oregonlive.com/thebeerhere/2009/10/post_10.html 

To compensate for the shortage of 2007, farmers over planted in 2009. This created a glut in the markets with a lower financial return. Many fields have yet to be purchased, leading to farmers turning their crops under. Another fear among the farmers is that a continued glut will drive prices down further and force them out of business.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/thebeerhere/2009/10/post_10.html

InBev’s next move will be to buyout hop and grain producers when their once thriving markets are purposely sabotaged. Inbev would control the entire production value stream for most of the worlds brew. As a result they will set there own production rate, and reap the financial gains.