WHERE'S SHAKESPHEARE WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

English majors and wordsmiths will appreciate this old and fading art of writing:

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text messages and email, have forgotten the art of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the following statement below.

'Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.'

I cannot stress enough that proper use of grammar can be most important!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM TIME MAGAZINE

GOOGLE THIS

THE WEDDING BUSINESS

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.


The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

DEER HUNTER'S CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

I DON'T GET IT

IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE WITH IT.  

IS SOMEONE MISSING A CAT?

TO MY FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS

To My Democratic Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

THREE WISE WOMEN

DOES YOUR DOG HAVE THE SNIFFLES?

WHITE CHRISTMAS

NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR

WHAT EVERY MAN WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

JEWISH BLONDE

A Jewish blonde  goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I  have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
 

The clerk says, "What  denomination?"  

The blonde says, "God help us. Has  it come to this?  Give me 15 Orthodox, 15  Conservative and 20 Reformed."

DON'T GET MAD, GET EVEN

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while, the first Redneck says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby. Would that make us related?'

The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says: 'Well, I do not know about related, but it sure would make us even.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

And thusly, students, we eventually arrive at the formula for understanding women. 

ET TU, CHIEF

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Washington State asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.  So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'  The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'  

NANCY PELOSI WILL FLY SOUTHWEST?

Word has it that Nancy Pelosi, having lost her private Air Force jet for her trips back and forth fro0m Washington to San Francisco, has decided to fly on Southwest due to her pay cut from the House Speaker's job.  The reason she chose Southwest?

Bags fly free. 

HIYA THERE, YOU HUNK, YOU!

An elderly woman was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.  She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her guest leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'. 

The elderly woman hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'