Maybe John Boehner can do this to Nancy Pelosi?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
ONLY FOUR TICKETS LEFT!
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center next weekend in Glendale, AZ., if anybody wants them!
Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer. Should be a good time!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
DON'T ASK
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
It looks like the Officers don’t believe in it though.
The Look on the Cop's Face is Priceless
Saturday, November 20, 2010
HOWDY THERE, COWBOY
The Texas DPS are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"
Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A.Put up a goal post.
Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A.Old
Q.What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.
Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"
Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A.Put up a goal post.
Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A.Old
Q.What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.
Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
OH, DEERE
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”
“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'.”
[Don't make me explain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.] - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”
“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'.”
[Don't make me explain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.] - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
2010'S FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly Gates.
'In honor of this holy season Saint Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Holiday Season Begins......
Monday, November 15, 2010
HERE'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised at times.
They would receive showers twice a week and have to pay to have their hair cut.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $15,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out alive.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
De-Di-Dis
If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
EMAIL WARNING
THIS IS FROM THE US POSTAL SERVICE WEBSITE
Customers may be receiving email messages or phone calls that allege to be from the U.S. Postal Service that contain fraudulent information about attempted or intercepted package delivery.
For emails: If opened, the messages instruct customers to click on a link to find out more about when they can expect delivery of their "package." Simply delete the message without taking any further action.
For phone calls: Please do not provide any personal information and let the caller know you're not interested and hang-up the phone.
The Postal Inspection Service is aware of the problems and are working hard to resolve the issues and shut down the malicious programs.
We regret any inconvenience this may have caused our customers.
Customers be aware of fraudulent package delivery messages sent by email or phone.
Customers may be receiving email messages or phone calls that allege to be from the U.S. Postal Service that contain fraudulent information about attempted or intercepted package delivery.
For emails: If opened, the messages instruct customers to click on a link to find out more about when they can expect delivery of their "package." Simply delete the message without taking any further action.
For phone calls: Please do not provide any personal information and let the caller know you're not interested and hang-up the phone.
The Postal Inspection Service is aware of the problems and are working hard to resolve the issues and shut down the malicious programs.
We regret any inconvenience this may have caused our customers.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
DARLING
The Chief sees a seaman coming toward him and aks him what his name is.
"John," replies the seaman.
The Chief gives a surly look and tells the seaman that he is not going to call any one by their first name because that breeds familiarity. "I only call men by their last name, got that? So, what's your name, seaman?"
Yes, sir! My name is Darling. John Darling, sir!"
"Carry on, John."
Monday, November 1, 2010
A FAIRY STORY FOR ELECTION DAY
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
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