DEMOFART JOKE

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, ' Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.

Pull her tit, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the tits - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.’

 

DEMOCRATS ON THEIR WAY TO A CAUCUS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAZCmaDm-2o&feature=player_embedded

DEBT CEILING

Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Allow me to explain: 

Let's say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.  Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the shit?
Your choice is coming in November. Don't miss the opportunity.

STRAIGHT

Let me get this straight . . .
We're going to be "gifted" with a health care
plan we are forced to purchase and
fined if we don't,
Which purportedly covers at least
ten million more people,
without adding a single new doctor,
but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,
written by a committee whose chairman
says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that didn't read it but
exempted themselves from it,
and signed by a President who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief
who didn't pay his taxes,
for which we'll be taxed for four years before
any benefits take effect,
by a government which has
already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
all to be overseen by a surgeon general
who is obese,
and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What the heck could possibly go wrong?'

MOUTHFUL

QUOTE OF THE CENTURY........MAYBE EVEN THE MILLENNIUM

Some people have the vocabulary to sum up things in a way that you can quickly understand them. This quote came from the Czech Republic. Someone over there has it figured out. It was translated into English from an article in the Prague newspaper Prager Zeitungon on 04.28.2010.

"The danger to America is not Barack Obama, but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama, who is, after all, merely a fool. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools, such as those who made him their president."

SPEAKING OF FREE CONTRACEPTIVES...

UNSEATED

STINKIN' ESTABLISHMENT

MISSING 10,000 GALLONS OF WATER

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).
However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water .
GO NAVY

PELOSI CAN'T DO THIS

WHO SAID LAWYERS DON'T BLOW SMOKE?

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina . 

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'. 

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. 

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

ARE SOME GOLFERS POLITICIANS?

No one ever promised all decisions would be easy!

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals  and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honors and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheater’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

COIL OF RAGE

The character of any man is defined by how he treats his mother as the years pass... Need I say more about this person below other than there is no character, no integrity but there is a ton of attitude and arrogance that defines his shallow past and hollow future... I rest my case.

I bought and read Obama's book, Audacity of Hope. It was difficult to read considering his attitude toward us and everything American. Let me add a phrase he used to describe his attitude toward whites. He harbors a "COIL OF RAGE".  His words not mine.

THIS IS OUR PRESIDENT -- HE'S RUNNING AGAIN, YOU KNOW! Is anyone out there awake?  Everyone of voting age should read these two books by him: Don't buy them, just get them from the library.

From Dreams From My Father:
"I ceased to advertise my mother's race at the age of 12 or 13, when I began to suspect that by doing so I was ingratiating myself to whites."

From Dreams From My Father:
"I found a solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against my mother's race."

From Dreams From My Father: 

"There was something about her that made me wary, a little too sure of herself, maybe and white."

From Dreams From My Father: 

"It remained necessary to prove which side you were on, to show your loyalty to the black masses, to strike out and name names."

From Dreams From My Father: 

"I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa, that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself: the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela." 

And FINALLY...........and most scary:

From Audacity of Hope:
"I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."

If you have never forwarded an e-mail, now is the time to do so!!! We have someone with this mentality running our GREAT nation! Keep your eye on him and don't blink.

I don't care whether you are a Democrat, a Republican, a Conservative or a liberal, be aware of the
attitude and character of this sitting President.

NO MORE CHANGE

POLITICALLY INCORRECT

RECOGNITION

There are three religious truths:  

           a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 

     b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 

      c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters. 

THE TRUTH BE KNOWN

A PARABLE

The saga of the little red hen....

*Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen*

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck..

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," She planted her crop, and the wheat grew and ripened.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.  They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one
cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

HE MUST HAVE BEEN A DEMOCRAT

An Irish drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

FLUID SITUATION

When I got home last night, my wife insisted that I take her out to some place expensive...............

So I took her to a gas station

HORSING AROUND

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.  The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.   He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. 

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?' 

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not.  I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

TRUE ERECTYLE DISFUNCTION

One of the questions from a career placement test: 

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"

Those who spell spine become doctors... the rest become politicians. 

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