Sunday, October 31, 2010

Saturday, October 30, 2010

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a mańs testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work"

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain from one man,
put it in another man, and in 4 weeks, he is looking for work"

A Russian doctor says:  "Russia has you beat, Gentlemen. We take out half a heart from one, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks, he is looking for work."

The United States doctor answers laughs:  "You all are way behind us. 2 years ago in the USA, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no testicles, put him in as President. and now, the whole country is looking for work!!!"

Friday, October 29, 2010

POLITICAL CHOICES

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator is tragically hit by a car and dies.  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind; I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.  The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passes with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,  "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely on November 2.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

HOLD THE PHONE!

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.  While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Sunday, October 24, 2010

FENGSHUI

This October is very special. It has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in 1 month. This happens once in 823 years. These are known in Fengshui as money bags. Pass this along to 8 good people and money will appear in 4 days based on the Chinese Fengshui. Those who stop it will experience none. I followed it and found forty-five cents taped to the bottom of a toilet seat in the Sacramento bus station.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

DEER CAMP

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Roy ,
because he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. 

The first guy slept with Roy and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? He said, " Roy snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Roy shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. 

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Roy into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

"Roy sat up and watched me all night."

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

GRAY HAIRED BRIGADE

THE GRAY HAIRED BRIGADE... WE'RE HERE TO REGAIN OUR COUNTRY.... THE ONE WE FOUGHT FOR.

They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs. Some of us are baby boomers getting ready to retire. Others have been retired for some time. We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were. We have worked hard, raised our children, worshiped our God and grown old together. Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill and that is probably true.

But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration. In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age. Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience. We remember the days of telephone party-lines, ten cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes. For those of you who don't know what an icebox is, today they are electric and referred to as refrigerators. A few even remember when cars were started with a crank. Yes, we lived those days.

We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many. But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off. We won World War II and fought in Korea and Viet Nam . We can quote the pledge of allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so. We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield. We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America , we fought for the land of the free and home of the brave. We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag. We know the words to the Star Spangle Banner, America , and America the Beautiful by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing. We have lived what many of you have only read about in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for America. 

Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it. It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us. We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep. There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent. It was the young people of this nation who elected Obama and the Democratic congress. You fell for the Hope and change which in reality was nothing but Hype and lies. You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don't like it after all. 

You make a lot of noise but most are all too interested in their careers and climbing the social ladder to be involved in such mundane things as patriotism and voting. It appears that we care more about our grandchildren than some care about their children. Many of those who fell for the great lie in 2008 are now having buyer's remorse. With all the education we gave you, you didn't have sense enough to see through the lies and instead drank the kool-aid. Now you're paying the price and complaining about it. No jobs, lost mortgages, higher taxes, and less freedom. This is what you voted for and this is what you got. We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty and you traded it for a paycheck and a fancy house. 

Well, don't worry youngsters, the Gray Haired Brigade is here, and in one month we are going to take back our nation. We may drive a little slower than you would like, but we get where we're going, and in November we're going to the polls by the millions. This land does not belong to the Muslim in the White House or to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. It belongs to We the People, and We the People plan to reclaim our land and our freedom. We hope this time you will do a better job of preserving it and passing it along to our grandchildren. 

So the next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country, and thank God for the old geezers of the Gray-Haired Brigade. 

The silver haired head is a crown of glory, if it is found in the way of righteousness. Proverbs 16:31

Sunday, October 10, 2010

AN OLD SEA STORY


There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his
men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would
change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change
your underwear."

"Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with
Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change",
But don't count on things smelling any better!!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

TIME TO MAKE A STATEMENT

When driving to, from, and through Frankenmuth, Michigan, I'm always intrigued with the many small simple crosses in the front yards of the homes we pass by. Those crosses are a statement of support for Frankenmuth's Christian foundation.

Two years ago an atheist living there complained about two crosses on a bridge in town. He requested that they be removed and the town removed them. He then decided that, since he was so successful with that, the city shield should also be changed since it had on it, along with other symbols, a heart with a cross inside signifying the city's Lutheran beginnings. At that point, the residents decided they had had enough.  

Hundreds of residents made their opinions known by placing small crosses in their front yards. Seeing this quiet but powerful statement from the community, the man removed his complaint. Those simple crosses remain in those front yards today.

After passing those crosses for two years, it finally hit me that a small cross in millions of front yards across our country could provide a powerful and inspiring message for all Americans passing them every day. I think it might be time to take this idea across America. We have an administration that says "we are not a Christian nation" and everywhere you look the ACLU and others are trying to remove from our history and current lives any reference to God, prayer, or the fact that our country was founded on Judeo-Christian principles.

Our administration can't bring themselves to talk about "radical Muslims or Islamic terrorists" for fear of offending them, but they can talk about Americans "clinging to their guns and their religion", or insinuate that our own military troops coming home from service overseas might turn into terrorists. The majority of Americans are Christians, why are we letting this happen to us?

IT'S TIME TO STAND UP AND MAKE A STATEMENT. A SMALL QUIET BUT POWERFUL STATEMENT. IF YOU AGREE, PLACE A SMALL WHITE CROSS IN YOUR FRONT YARD OR GARDEN FOR ALL TO SEE THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

It would be a beautiful thing to see crosses all across America.

Friday, October 8, 2010

ARAB TV GUIDE

SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY:
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News

SATURDAY:
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

ARREARS

Here's a little "CLEAN" humor with a good moral ...

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race...

The next day, the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.  The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted! He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:

NUN SAYS HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.   

The ass is now living in the White House?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

FORGOTTEN 9/11 STORY

During a visit with a fellow chaplain, who happened to be assigned to the Pentagon, I had a chance to hear a first-hand account of an incident that happened right after Flight 77 hit the Pentagon. The chaplain told me what happened at a daycare center near where the impact occurred. This daycare had many children, including infants who were in heavy cribs. The daycare supervisor, looking at all the children they needed to evacuate, was in a panic over what they could do. There were many children, mostly toddlers, as well as the infants that would need to be taken out with the cribs.

There was no time to try to bundle them into carriers and strollers. Just then a young Marine came running into the center and asked what they needed. After hearing what the center director was trying
to do, he ran back out into the hallway and disappeared. The director thought, 'well, there we are—on our own.'

About 2 minutes later, that Marine returned with 40 other Marines in tow. Each of them grabbed a crib with a child, and the rest started gathering up toddlers. The director and her staff then helped them take all the children out of the center and down toward the park near the Potomac and the Pentagon. Once they got about 3/4 of a mile outside the building, the Marines stopped in the park, and then did a fabulous thing - they formed a circle with the cribs, which were quite sturdy and heavy, like the covered wagons in the Old West. Inside this circle of cribs, they put the toddlers, to keep them from wandering off. Outside this circle were the 40 Marines, forming a perimeter around the children and waiting for instructions. There they remained until the parents could be notified and come get their children..

The chaplain then said, "I don't think any of us saw nor heard of this on any of the news stories of the day. It was an incredible story of our men there. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. The thought of those Marines and what they did and how fast they reacted; could we expect any less from them? It was one of the most touching stories from the Pentagon.

Remember Ronald Reagan's great compliment: "Most of us wonder if our lives made any difference. Marines don't have that problem."

God Bless the USA , our troops, and you.


It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. 

It's the Military, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.


If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.